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About Last Night: NASCAR’s Crash Course

Matt KensethIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • Matt Kenseth managed to avoid a 25-car pileup on his way to earning a Sprint Cup victory at Talladega Superspeedway. Kyle Busch, car No. 25 in the pileup, later admitted that he drove in mostly because he “wanted to see what it was like.” The only non-car in the pileup, Rex Ryan, said he heard there were free pastries.
  • CC Sabathia allowed two runs in 8.2 strong innings as the Yankees took a 1-0 lead in their divisional series against the Orioles with a 7-2 win. “Fans were great tonight,” said A-Rod, apparently not realizing the game was played in Baltimore. “So much support from the home crowd.” When reporters told him they weren’t in New York, A-Rod narrowed his eyes, backed into a corner, and started screaming for his lawyer.
  • Tyler Moore’s two-RBI single in the eighth inning led the Nationals to a 3-2 win over the Cardinals, and a 1-0 lead in the divisional series. It’s the first postseason win for a Washington baseball team since 1933, when the old Washington Senators were led by Goose Goslin, player-manager Joe Cronin, and rookie sensation Jamie Moyer.
  • Omar Infante scored the winning run on Don Kelly’s ninth-inning walk-off sacrifice fly as the Tigers beat the A’s 5-4 and took a 2-0 lead in the series. In related news, mathematicians running complex baseball simulations have determined that “Don Kelly sacrifice fly” is the second-most boring way to win a playoff game, falling well short of number one, “anything involving a Blue Jay.”
  • Bronson Arroyo pitched seven scoreless innings to earn his first win ever in San Francisco (9-0) and give the Reds a 2-0 lead over the Giants as the series heads back to Cincinnati. With the win, he’s now closer than ever to earning the nickname he’s coveted since childhood, “Trolley Car Arroyo.” But still pretty far away.
  • Tom Brady out-dueled Peyton Manning as the Patriots raced out to a huge lead and held on to beat the Broncos 31-21. In an embarrassing oversight, Patriots coach Bill Belichick came out in the first quarter with sacrificial calf’s blood still dripping from the corners of his mouth.
  • Mike Glennon’s fourth-down touchdown pass with 16 seconds remaining gave N.C. State a shocking 17-16 win over no. 3 Florida State, ending the Seminoles’ undefeated season. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “HEY, FOLKS. LOOKS LIKE PERHAPS JIMBO FISHER SHOULD GO BACK TO BEING A MENU OPTION AT RED LOBSTER. OH MY GOD, THAT WAS MY BEST JOKE EVER. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND PENNY SHE MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON. BUT OUR LOVE IS DOOMED BECAUSE I AM AN OIL ROBOT AND SHE IS A WIND-POWERED ROBOT AND HER PARENTS ARE RACIST.”
  • Andrew Luck hit Reggie Wayne with a game-winning touchdown pass late in the fourth quarter as the Colts stunned the Packers 30-27. After the game, Aaron Rodgers pulled Luck aside. “I know what it’s like, trying to follow an icon like Peyton Manning. I just wanted to say that I think you’re doing a great job.” Luck nodded. “Yeah, that’s right,” he said. “You had to follow that penis picture guy, right?”
  • Heisman hopeful Geno Smith threw for four touchdowns as the high-powered no. 8 West Virginia Mountaineers beat no. 11 Texas 48-45 in Austin. Several hours later, a lone horseman galloped into Morgantown, shouting “they done it!” and sparking raucous celebrations among the anxious townfolk.
  • No. 10 Florida outlasted no. 4 LSU in a grinding SEC battle, emerging with a 14-6 win. After the game, LSU head coach Les Miles went back to his hotel room, drew the blinds, bolted the door, and could be heard moaning from his bed while watching Oregon’s spread offense.
  • Matt Ryan (345 yards, two touchdowns) and the Falcons moved to 5-0 on the season with a 24-17 win over the Redskins. Great. Awesome. Once again, it’s obvious that mom and dad will give him all the attention. “Hey, look what Matt’s doing! Matt won another game!” OH YEAH, MOM AND DAD, WELL GUESS WHAT? YOUR OTHER SON WRITES TOP-NOTCH JOKES FOR A WEBSITE. MAYBE YOU SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO THAT! Okay, look, they’re not all top-notch. But I’m trying my best over here. Well, that might be a stretch too. Anyway, I need some money.