Grantland logo

About Last Night: My Boss Is a St. Louis Carpenter

St. Louis Cardinals fansIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

  • Matt Carpenter, subbing for an injured Carlos Beltran, hit a two-run homer to lead the Cardinals to a 3-1 win over the Giants and a 2-1 lead in the NLCS. “Look, we’re not saying for sure that Jesus is rooting for our team,” said a statement released by Cardinals fans. “But how many times can you be led by a Carpenter before you start saying, OK, maybe something’s happening here? Are we crazy? Are we being unreasonable? Or deep down, are the rest of you jealous that Jesus is a Cards fan? Be honest.”
  • Game 4 of the ALCS between the Tigers and Yankees was postponed due to the threat of rain. And though it wasn’t made explicit, “rain” was understood to mean “one of A-Rod’s horrible crying jags.”
  • Sources report that the Yankees and Marlins may discuss a trade involving A-Rod this offseason. The prospect of moving to Miami excited A-Rod, who has been practicing a Gangnam Style routine on roller blades that New Yorkers “are too uptight to understand.” “But it would play huge in South Beach,” he continued. “Huge. Especially the part where I grab my crotch and wink when the guy says ‘Oppo Gangnam Style.’ And did I mention I’m wearing a tank top and holding the boombox myself? Total gun show. It’s going to kill.”
  • Timberwolves forward Kevin Love broke his hand in a morning workout yesterday, and will miss six to eight weeks of action. With Love out of the picture, the rest of the Timberwolves are expected to fall into a dull routine, become sick at the sight of each other, and purchase a motorcycle while dreaming about other teams.
  • The NFL responded to legal complaints from players involved in the Saints bounty scandal by urging a federal judge not to intervene, while Jonathan Vilma practiced with his team for the first time all season. “Five hundo to the first guy who injures Brees!” Vilma shouted. “Totally serious. Double jeopardy. Can’t charge a man twice for the same crime.”
  • Jets linebacker Calvin Pace said the Patriots’ up-tempo offense is “borderline illegal” because they’ll occasionally snap the ball before all players are set. “The little Chip Kelly in me thinks you would have liked at least to have had the opportunity to play fast-paced offense,” tweeted pacist Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who was then called “highly replaceable” by commissioner Roger Goodell and suspended for a month.
  • Kentucky freshman Nerlens Noel has been cleared by the NCAA to play basketball this season after concerns about his recruitment process. His cousin, Merlins Noel, has also been cleared despite concerns that he routinely makes other players vanish from the court after waving his arms around and ranting.
  • Chael Sonnen struck back at critics who think he doesn’t deserve his upcoming MMA title shot against Jon Jones, calling other fighters “bastards” who dodge him. With the scathing comment, Sonnen showed why he’s the only man to succeed in the sport using “verbal repartee” as his martial art.
  • A cash-strapped Greek soccer team saved itself from collapse by accepting sponsorship money from two brothels. Unfortunately, the income may vanish quickly; German chancellor Angela Merkel responded to the news by imposing strict austerity measures that limit the prostitutes to “vigorous dry humping.”