In case you were busy preparing for the first day of summer by getting all of your mosquito bites out of the way up front, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- In what can only be described as the culminating erotic explosion of basketball magnificence, the Miami Heat clinched their second consecutive NBA championship with a hard-fought 95-88 Game 7 win over the San Antonio Spurs. Wait, I’m hearing there are other ways to describe this NBA Finals: a roundball symphony, so hole-stuffingly great that the idea of playing another season next year as is currently scheduled is a dubious proposition only because hot damn, hot damn; the ascension of LeBron James to the status of a deity who shall hover over this great nation we call the United States of AmeriBron, shooting orange laser beams out of his eyeballs at our most vile criminals to keep us safe in a time of societal unrest; Tim Duncan’s personal debunking of the Horatio Alger myth, which would suggest that any man can pick himself up by the bootstraps and reach the pinnacle of American society, because oh how does old Timmy D not leave that series with a ring in a world where hard work is given its just rewards; and a series in which Chris Bosh cemented his status as the player most likely to be enshrined at Springfield with a collective shrug so ambivalent that it dislocates the shoulders of every NBA fan and pundit alike.
- Jhonny Peralta hit a walk-off ninth-inning home run as the Detroit Tigers stole a win from the AL East–leading Boston Red Sox, 4-3. “Oh I’ll steal it back,” said Boston closer Andrew Bailey, who allowed the home run. “By hook or by crook, I swear I’ll get us this win back.” But Bailey’s attempts to do so, first by hiring internationally feared jewel thief “The Dingo,” and then, after the Dingo was apprehended outside of Geneva, by dangling a wire hanger over sleeping Detroit manager Jim Leyland’s head with no specific purpose in mind, both proved to be fool’s errands.
- In a battle of places that seem like they’d have good weather most of the time, Spain beat Tahiti, 10-0, in what proved to be a massive Confederations Cup mismatch. Oft-criticized Chelsea striker Fernando Torres, who had four goals in the Spanish conquest, said after the game, “Don’t say anything. Not a word. I know. I know! But what was I supposed to do? Not score four goals? Then you fuckers would have been like, ‘Why didn’t he score four fucking goals?’ I don’t need this. I don’t fucking need this.” Torres then realized he was speaking into the wrong side of the microphone, tried to turn it around so he could repeat his plea for mercy, tripped over the cord, and collapsed in despair.
- Despite amassing an early seven-run lead with Felix Hernandez on the mound, the Seattle Mariners fell to the Los Angeles Angels, 10-9, with Albert Pujols scoring the game-winning run on a bases-loaded walk. Mike Trout went 4-for-4 in the win, but managed to do so without securing an RBI, once again living up to his reputation as a me-first guy who only cares about getting on base, regardless of whether or not he knocks in a teammate. Trout’s selfishness didn’t go unnoticed by manager Mike Scioscia, who when asked about it told me to “ask Gregg Popovich a question that dumb and see what happens.”
- David Wright had two home runs and pinch hitter Josh Satin doubled in the winning run as the New York Mets beat the Atlanta Braves, 4-3, at Turner Field. “I knew the kid could do it,” Wright said of Satin after the game. “I like to think I really helped him get ready to go before the game.” When told of Wright’s claim, Satin shook his head and said, “He kept throwing holy water at me, and yelling ‘The power of Christ compels you.’ My name isn’t even spelled Satan. And honestly, if I were possessed by the devil, would a little water and some silly mortal English words take away the power of the lord of darkness himself? Of course not, for he is all powerful, and cannot be stopped on this plane or the next.” Satin’s eyes then rolled back in his skull, and he spoke in tongues for a minute before coming to and adding, “I will say David is great at helping me break down video.”
- Jay-Z is now officially licensed to represent NBA and MLB players as an agent on behalf of his newly created Roc Nation Sports agency. The move finally brings some cachet to the Jay-Z brand, as the Hova can finally snatch the “coolest man alive” title back from Arn Tellem.
- Despite deploying top 2014 prospect Carlos Rodon on short rest, the NC State Wolfpack fell to top-seeded North Carolina, 7-0, and were eliminated from the College World Series. “It’s tough,” said Rodon after the loss, “but it’s fair. UNC may be a rival, but they are the top seed, and we have to respect that. The best team should always win in the playoffs. That’s what makes playoffs great, reenforcing our expectations and destroying underdog stories. Hopefully next year we will be objectively better, so that we will deserve similar success.”
- Manny Ramirez announced that he is not retiring from professional baseball and is hopeful he can make a return to Major League Baseball. “Don’t say anything. Not a word. I know. I know,” said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman as he looked longingly at a sealed jar of rubber cement. “What am I supposed to do? Not call him? Then you fuckers would be like, ‘Why didn’t you fucking call him?’ I don’t need this. I don’t fucking need this.” Cashman then realized he had said all of this on the record, and collapsed in despair.