In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- John Elway and the Denver Broncos officially introduced Peyton Manning in a press conference after signing the free agent to a deal that could be worth as much as $96 million over five years. “I’m happy to join the Mile High club under a legend like John Elway,” said Manning, in a really unfortunate opening statement followed by an even more unfortunate joke: “Even if it does get a little hard to breathe!”
- A league source told ESPN that the teams involved in the Tim Tebow sweepstakes include the Jets, Jaguars, Packers, and Dolphins. But the sheer amount of A-1 sauce amassed by Rex Ryan in the past 24 hours indicates that he probably heard the word “T-Bone” instead of “Tebow.”
- Sources reported that Alex Smith has agreed to a three-year, $24 million contract to remain with the San Francisco 49ers. The deal briefly fell through when Rex Ryan was willing to pay $40 million, but it turned out he thought he was getting something called “A Leg Smith.” “Didn’t know exactly what that was,” said Ryan, “but it was worth the price to find out if it involved someone who created beautiful feet.”
- Despite re-aggravating an elbow injury and banging his head in a nasty collision with Grant Hill, LeBron James is okay after the Heat’s 99-95 comeback win over the Suns. Once again, this raises the issue of whether it’s truly safe to have old players like Grant Hill on the court. He doesn’t look where he’s going, he never signals, his vision gets worse every day, and lord knows where his mind is half the time. He could really hurt someone.
- Lakers coach Mike Brown was irked that Andrew Bynum got ejected for arguing with referees late in the third quarter of Tuesday’s game, which ended in a 107-104 Rockets win. “I like the passion,” said Brown, “but I wish he’d wait until after the game to get in heated arguments about the Japanese pop group ‘10,000 Promises’.”
- Brittney Griner became just the second woman to dunk in NCAA tournament history as undefeated Baylor moved on to the Sweet 16 with a 76-57 win over Florida. Texas politician Rick Perry said he was proud of her, but just wished that a man had been involved in the decision, and also that women weren’t allowed to play sports or leave the home.
- The PGA Tour is overhauling its qualifying system, with the major change being that Q-School will no longer be a valid path to earning a spot on the Tour. Instead, golfers will have to pull off stunts like hitting exploding targets with their iron shots, making crazy putts on miniature golf courses, and surviving something called the “golf cart joust.” Oh wait, sorry — for a minute there, I thought we were in a perfect world.
- The majority of penalties levied on Jimmie Johnson’s NASCAR racing team, for using illegal C-Posts before the Daytona 500, were overturned on appeal. A C-Post, of course, is a complex sexual implement designed to keep the driver from becoming bored while he sits in the car for hours at a time. Pretty standard.
- Cardinals slugger Lance Berkman told reporters that MLB commissioner Bud Selig ‘extorted’ the Astros into moving to the American League. In response, Selig smirked. “I think Lance needs to learn his definitions,” he said. “Extortion is when you abuse your power to force someone to take an action against their will, and … wait. I guess, technically … yeah, that works. That does work here.”