In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Tim Lincecum struck out eight over seven scoreless innings to earn his first win in two months and give the Giants their third straight shutout against the Dodgers, propelling them into a tie for first place in the NL West. The 3-0 win was such a relief for Lincecum that he shook his head around dramatically in the shower, eyes closed, wet hair flying everywhere, clearly pretending he was in a triumphant sports movie. Players nearby reported that he could be heard singing the words to Styx’s “Show Me the Way,” which everyone thought was pretty much a perfect choice for that scene.
- After 120 minutes of scoreless soccer, Spain advanced to the Euro 2012 final after defeating Portugal in a penalty kick shootout, 4-2. After the match, FIFA president Sepp Blatter expressed gratitude that after exciting group stages at the tournament proving that international soccer is a high-stakes thrill ride, the very best teams in the world have righted the ship and shown Americans yet again that international soccer is a mind-numbingly dull sport with almost no payoff.
- On the same day that the Yankees placed CC Sabathia on the 15-day DL with a strained groin, Andy Pettitte fractured his left fibula and will miss at least six weeks after being hit by a line drive in the fifth inning of a 5-4 win against the Indians. “Some people are saying we’re cursed,” manager Joe Girardi said, “but I think that’s ridiculous. Why? Because we’ve had a few injuries and one old, semi-transparent Native American woman who appears in the corner of the locker room singing plaintive songs about her ancestors, and who gets progressively angrier as the lights begin to flicker? Who may be a ghost? Come on. That’s circumstantial.”
- Playing in front of Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall, Roger Federer defeated Fabio Fognini in straight sets to advance to the third round at Wimbledon. “Perhaps some more perversion!” Prince Charles shouted politely, to Federer’s extreme discomfort. “Yes, yes indeed! A bit more perversion would do the job! Right-ho!”
- Four of the top 13 players on the women’s side lost Wednesday at Wimbledon, including Grand Slam champions Sam Stosur and Li Na, and former world no. 1 Caroline Wozniacki. “Oy, Woz! Oy! Maybe you could use a wee bit more of the ol’ perversion, yeah?” shouted a man with a fake cockney accent, who turned out to be Prince Charles in a chimney sweep’s outfit. “Aye, that’s the ticket! A smidge and a dab of the ol’ perversion’ll set ya right, it will!”
- Daniel Murphy hit two homers, Scott Hairston bashed a grand slam, and David Wright drove in five runs as the Mets offense exploded in a 17-1 rout of the Cubs. “OK, I get it, we’re bad,” Cubs manager Dale Sveum said at the press conference. “Can we please talk about something other than baseball, baseball, baseball?”
- The Houston Rockets traded the no. 14 pick and Samuel Dalembert to the Milwaukee Bucks for the no. 12 pick in what sources report is an ongoing effort to accumulate enough assets to trade for Dwight Howard. But Orlando Magic GM Rob Hennigan said the Rockets could never offer the one thing that would get them Howard. “My dog Sandy,” he said. “I want my dog back.” He then broke down in tears and showed reporters photos of Sandy, a pretty golden retriever who was dog-napped by Dwight Howard a week ago.
- Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick said that he expects the selection committee for college football’s new four-team playoff to look at every team and place high value on non-conference strength of schedule. “And what about a ‘disappointment factor,’ where we give teams bonus points for being disappointing?” he asked. “That’d be wild, right? What do we have to lose? Maybe a ‘Papal Ranking’ or something, too. Let the pope decide. Come on, college football, loosen up!”
- In their second head-to-head meeting at the U.S. Olympic Trials, Michael Phelps struck back at Ryan Lochte, beating him by .05 seconds in the 200-meter freestyle. There was some controversy, though, when it appeared Phelps may have run across the bottom of the pool when he became frustrated by the unnatural act of swimming.