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About Last Night: Last of the Losers

Robert MansellIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • There are no more winless teams in Division 1 college basketball. Binghamton University became the last team to win a game this season, beating Vermont 57-53 and moving to 1-26 on the year. Interestingly enough, the win immediately made Binghamton the nation’s best team. They beat Vermont, who beat Old Dominion earlier this season, who in turn beat South Florida, who beat Pittsburgh twice, who beat Tennessee, who beat Florida, who beat Florida State, who beat Duke, who beat Michigan State, who beat Indiana, who beat no. 1 Kentucky earlier this season, proving beyond argument that Binghamton is better than Kentucky and therefore the top team in the country.
  • Rodney McGruder scored 24 points as unranked Kansas State upset no. 3 Missouri on the road, 78-68. The win virtually guarantees a tournament spot to KSU, and insane Wildcat coach Frank Martin celebrated by angrily drinking a gallon of pig’s blood in front of his players to teach them some kind of lesson.
  • Seton Hall moved to 19-9 on the year with an upset of its own, prevailing against no. 8 Georgetown 73-55 thanks to Jordan Theodore’s 29 points. Several thousand nerds in attendance had assumed from the team names that they were about to see some kind of medieval battle reenactment, and were disappointed when Georgetown coach John Thompson III was the only one to even carry a lance.
  • Brady Quinn apologized for remarks he made about Tim Tebow in a magazine feature, where he questioned the quarterback’s public Christian displays and said that the fans clamoring for Tebow helped him become the starter. In response, Tim Tebow humbly crossed himself on camera while Denver fans became hysterically upset at Quinn.
  • After a blowout win against the Trail Blazers, Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher held a players-only meeting in the Lakers’ locker room to stress the importance of team unity in the face of trade rumors and other distractions. To put that focus to the test, they had Pau Gasol do an erotic belly dance at the front of the room. “Don’t be distracted!” Kobe yelled to the confused players, over the blaring gypsy music. “Listen only to me!”
  • Dwyane Wade scored 30 points and dished out 10 assists as the Heat won their seventh straight, 120-108 over the Kings. “It’s probably time to change our name,” said melancholy Kings coach Keith Smart. After he files the paperwork, the 10-22 team will officially be known as the Sacramento Painted Court Harlots.
  • Dodgers center fielder Matt Kemp said that if Ryan Braun is truly guilty of using PEDs, he wouldn’t want to win the MVP by default. “I’d want to win it in an old-fashioned steroid contest,” he said. “Not that I’ve ever taken steroids, mind you, but, uh … ” Kemp then excused himself to use the bathroom, after which reporters heard an engine revving and a car peeling out of the parking lot.
  • BCS executive director Bill Hancock said the process of choosing a new college football playoff system would be “long and deliberate.” In fact, it took him over 20 minutes just to say those three words, and the audio had to be sped up to make any sense of it.
  • As Tiger Woods prepared for today’s first-round Accenture Match Play championship clash with Spaniard Gonzalo Fernandez-Castano, he emphasized that “anyone can win any match.” Things became darker when he pointed out that anyone could also lose any match, and that every morning was just a new chance to die. Then he asked to borrow 100 dollars “for a friend.”