In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency will ban Lance Armstrong for life and strip him of his seven Tour de France titles after Armstrong elected to stop fighting what he called an “unconstitutional witch hunt.” Late last night, witnesses reported seeing Armstrong deep in the woods with Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, uttering strange rhymes about the body parts of dead animals and placing objects into a smoking black cauldron.
- Collin McHugh threw seven scoreless innings in his major league debut, striking out nine and allowing just two hits, but the Rockies scored the go-ahead run in the eighth and beat the Mets 1-0. McHugh told reporters he was happy with his performance, and also laughed at the “initiation ritual” afterward when team owner Fred Wilpon asked him to borrow $2,000. “Oh yeah!” said Wilpon, rushing in from a side door and laughing loudly. “Total initiation ritual. Hey Coll, what do you say we head out and grab some brews before the question brigade gets all asky-asky on us?”
- Justin Verlander struck out 12 batters over nine strong innings, and Alex Avila’s RBI single in the 11th inning gave the Tigers a 3-2 walk-off win over the Blue Jays. “Too late,” yelled an irate Verlander, amid the celebration. “Way too fucking late, Alex. Where’s my win? Where’s my DAMN WIN?!”
- In a wild 10-inning affair, Kendrys Morales hit the go-ahead home run to give the Angels a 14-13 win over the Red Sox and their first series sweep in Boston since 2008. “I know we lost, and that stinks,” said second baseman Dustin Pedroia, “but to be honest, it was nice to have an exciting game that didn’t end with Kevin Youkilis whooping, slapping us all with towels, and then peeing on the locker room floor.”
- Barcelona beat Real Madrid 3-2 in the first leg of the Spanish Super Cup with a trio of second-half goals. The famous rivalry between the two teams is known as “El Clasico,” and watching jealously from the stands were members from each city’s secondary teams, Fake Madrid (pronounced FAH-kay) and Bizarrocelona. (Hey everybody, congratulations! You’ve just read the dumbest joke in the history of the Earth. The previous dumbest joke was one where someone called FDR “Franklin Delano Blowsevelt.” That was in 1938. Before today, it was thought to be an unbreakable record for stupidity. I just made history.)
- The NCAA is investigating Mississippi State for a possible recruiting irregularity, the school confirmed yesterday. Sources report that when the NCAA agents entered Starkville, head coach Dan Mullen sat with his legs dangling over the town bridge, ominously plucking his banjo strings.
- Ohio State linebacker Storm Klein, who had his domestic violence charge dismissed after pleading guilty to a lesser charge, has been reinstated by head coach Urban Meyer. The news was devastating to the National Organization for Local Hack Newscasters, who were in awe of Klein’s “perfect name” and had come to see him as something of a Christ-like savior.
- In Little League World Series action, teams from California and Panama advanced into the tournament semifinals, where they’ll meet Tennessee and Japan, respectively. It’s a classic metaphorical battle between gold, canals, rising suns, and large groups of people who are ungrateful that the federal government gave them free electricity 80 years ago.
- Colts owner Jim Irsay raised eyebrows in the NFL world when he released a tweet that said, simply, “TRADE WINDS BLOWING.” Reporters are unsure who the potential trade might involve, and sources close to the team cautioned that this might be related to Irsay’s ongoing delusion that he’s a 15th-century Portuguese sea merchant.