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About Last Night: Lambeau Woes

Aaron Rodgers

In case you were busy backing up your asshole son by trolling online forums incognito, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

  • Josh McCown led the Bears to a 27-20 win over an injury-depleted Green Bay Packers squad at Lambeau Field, creating a three-team logjam at the top of the NFC North at the midway point of the season. “There’s only gonna be one way to settle this,” said Packers head coach Mike McCarthy after the game. “We’ll have to play the rest of our schedules.” McCarthy then looked down at a laminated sheet of paper that said “Trust your gut, big guy,” looked back up, smiled, and said, Yep, I’m almost positive we’ll just have to play the rest of the games to determine who wins.”
  • The Packers may struggle going forward, as former MVP quarterback Aaron Rodgers will be out for an extended period of time after getting knocked out of Monday’s game with a shoulder injury. This raises the question, if Rodgers is out until the playoffs, will the Packers stand pat with Seneca Wallace at quarterback, or will they take on a former Packers legend? No, no, not newly available Matt Flynn; I’m talking a real legend. A Super Bowl winner from the deep south. An ironman warrior who defined Packers football for fifteen years solid. And sure, maybe he’s too old, and maybe his mind isn’t all there, but I think Bart Starr could step in tomorrow and take over this offense until Rodgers is ready to go again.
  • Stephen Curry put up his second career triple-double as the Golden State Warriors grabbed the NBA regular-season championship belt by beating the Philadelphia 76ers 110-90. “That’s what I’m talking about,” said Sixers general manager Sam Hinkie as he clapped his players into the locker room after the game. “Really great stuff. I never would have thought to let a guy who weighs a buck-eighty-five grab 10 boards in 29 minutes. But that’s why you are you and I am me. I put the team together, and then I let my players play ball. And on that note, Evan Turner, you’re headed to the D-League.”
  • Minnesota’s fourth-quarter rally came up just short, as Kevin Love’s game-winning 3-point attempt hit the back iron in the Timberwolves’ 93-92 loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers. “It’s a tough loss, but that’s a team on the rise,” said Love of the Cavaliers as he sipped on some orange Gatorade after the game. “They have Kyrie Irving and Dion Waiters, plus Andrew Bynum. For some reason they have an undersize asthmatic big man named Bennett playing big minutes for them, but they’ll probably cut him.” Love was then told he was referring to Anthony Bennett, the top pick in the 2013 NBA draft, at which point he spat out his Gatorade, did a rare quintuple take, then laughed and asked, “You’re taking the piss, right? The piss is going out because you’re taking it, yes?” before getting very serious and adding, “You aren’t taking the piss, are you? The piss is staying right here. I wish you took the piss.”
  • Dwight Howard’s return to Staples Center went poorly for the new Houston Rocket as his team fell 137-118 to the Los Angeles Clippers. “The Clippers?” an incredulous Hakeem “The Bad Dream” Olajuwon said after the game, as he strode down the deck of his radar-eluding megayacht, The Admiral Destroyer. Olajuwon, flanked by henchmen Sam “Area 51” Cassell and Vernon “Mad Max” Maxwell, then added, “I will not abide the lowly Clippers standing in the way of Houston’s rise to power,” as the three men reached the bow of the yacht. “They’re much improved,” Cassell replied to his boss, as he stood at attention, looking out over the South Pacific. “No shame in this loss, just need to regroup—” But Hakeem cut his old point guard off and said, “No shame in losing to the Clippers, huh? What madness is this? Certainly it wouldn’t have anything to do with your late career dalliance with them, would it?” Cassell shook his head and began to fidget anxiously as Olajuwon replied, “Good. Good. See, Sam, I think you’ll find that there are two worlds. There’s the world of the Clippers, the one you’re standing on now. That’s a safe world. Then there’s the world of the ocean. An ocean I happen to know is populated by a number of hyper-intelligent sharks that have been bred for me. Now tell me Sam, which world would you rather live in?” Cassell looked up at Olajuwon and said, “Um, Clippers? I guess.” Olajuwon shook his head ruefully, pulled out a large remote control, and said, “Sorry, Sam. Wrong answer.” Olajuwon then pushed a button on his remote, which caused the deck underneath Cassell to drop away. Olajuwon watched as the man who had helped him win two titles splashed into the ocean, before saying, “The answer is never the Clippers,” before joining Maxwell in a bout of maniacal cackling.
  • Frederik Andersen made 32 saves as the Anaheim Ducks improved to a Pacific Division–best 12-3-1 after beating the Rangers, 2-1, at Madison Square Garden. Despite his team’s hot start, Ducks head coach Bruce Boudreau was taking nothing for granted, saying, “Even with this win, we’re just two points ahead of the Sharks.” Boudreau then looked over both of his shoulders and whispered, “And I hear the Sharks are getting smarter. Hyper-intelligent even. They’ve taken God’s oldest killing machine and given it will and desire. So no, I’m not taking anything for granted.”
  • Dolphins offensive lineman Richie Incognito has been suspended indefinitely as the league investigates allegations that he verbally abused teammate Jonathan Martin, who left the organization last week. “Come on!” yelled angry American Gil Jones. “Bullying in the NFL? Come on, Jonathan! What’s with the wussification of America? What could Incognito have possibly said? How bad could it be? It’s just words!” When told that Incognito said, “Hey, wassup, you half n----- piece of s---. I saw you on Twitter, you been training 10 weeks. [I want to] s--- in your f---ing mouth. [I’m going to] slap your f---ing mouth. [I’m going to] slap your real mother across the face [laughter]. F--- you, you’re still a rookie. I’ll kill you,” a visibly stunned Jones shook his head and replied, “Well, that’s um … that’s the worst. That’s the worst array of words all in a row I’ve ever seen. Apologies, Jonathan.” When told the words themselves weren’t the point, that even a violent work environment like the NFL needs to uphold basic standards of respect, decency, and safety, Jones said, “No, I totally agree. Absolutely. I, um, I had no idea. ‘I want to s--- in your f---ing mouth?’ I had no idea.”