In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Oklahoma City rallied from seven points down, and Kevin Durant scored the winning basket with 18 seconds left, in a 77-75 win over the Lakers. “How you like me now, Seattle?!” said Russell Westbrook, just because he hadn’t been a real dick in a while.
- Kevin Garnett (27 points, 13 boards) and the Celtics took a 2-1 series edge in the Eastern Conference semis with a 107-91 huge Game 3 win over the 76ers. After the game, Sixers owner Josh Harris admitted that “throwback uniform night,” where the players wore buckled shoes, white tights, breeches, waistcoats, silk cravats, and tricorn hats like the original 1776ers might have been a bad idea.
- The New Jersey Devils evened the Eastern Conference finals at 1-game apiece with a 3-2 win over the Rangers in Madison Square Garden. After the game, Devils owner Jeff Vanderbeek admitted that “devil stick night,” where all the players’ sticks were rigged up to shoot streaks of fire from the blade, was an awesome idea that totally worked.
- LeBron James told reporters that playing power forward in an attempt to replace the injured Chris Bosh has been “taxing.” When he heard his star’s complaint, Heat coach Erik Spoelstra gently told him that he doesn’t have to do such an intense and accurate impression of Bosh’s mannerisms during games, and should just be himself. “How dare you!” hissed LeBron. “I am an actor!“
- Albert Pujols, now under the tutelage of new hitting coach Jim Eppard, hit a three-run home run as the Angels beat the White Sox 7-2. “Gosh, I feel just like Ronald Reagan ending the Iran hostage crisis only days after taking office from Jimmy Carter,” said Eppard, who everyone simultaneously realized is going to be a boring-as-f*** interview.
- Citing a lack of communication, Saints quarterback Drew Brees called his ongoing contract negotiations with the team “extremely frustrating.” “I understand that things are pretty crazy with the bounty stuff,” said Brees, “but I wish they wouldn’t have outsourced my contract talks to India. I’m on hold all the time, I can barely understand anyone, and this one guy Rakesh they always transfer me to keeps offering 10,000 rupees for the whole season, which I figured out is less than $200.”
- After throwing a helmet that bounced off the ground and hit umpire Bill Miller, Brent Lawrie has been suspended four games by MLB. The story took a tragic turn when the league handed down a lifetime ban for the helmet, citing “aggressive caroms designed to injure.” The helmet, known as “ear flaps” to his friends, took its own life Wednesday after realizing it would someday be sold for $16 at a memorabilia show to an unlovable mouth-breather.
- Yu Darvish earned his sixth win with yet another masterful performance, giving up just four hits over seven and 2/3 innings as the Rangers beat the A’s 4-1. “These Americans are so weak and stupid,” said Darvish after the game. “Striking them out is child’s play. I don’t respect them at all.” (It should be noted that Darvish’s translator was sick, and was replaced for the day by Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton, who has shown no signs of speaking even rudimentary Japanese in the past.)
- The New York Giants unveiled their Super Bowl rings at an event in th New York City. With a band of white gold and a series of marquis diamonds and blue sapphires, the design looks exactly like a photoshopped picture of Tom Coughlin’s head on Gisele Bundchen’s body. “Oui, it was a most strange request,” said Tiffany & Co. gemsmith Yves D’Artagnon, a small man who always wears a black cape and is prone to flourishes. “Footballs and a simple ‘NY’ logo? I said, ‘no way, meester Giant, you big donkey! You have won Le Su-pair Bowl, no Le Boring Bowl!’ And zen I let my eenner leopard run vild. Thees ring is tres gorgeous and tres tres tres erotique. I know zey vill love it.”
This week’s Reader’s Revenge topic is Your Most Cowardly Moment. Surprisingly low turnout this week so far, meaning it’s a wide open field. Send your best story to firstname.lastname@example.org, and click that link to read the latest installment if you have no idea what I’m talking about. Anonymity is allowed, as are tales about third parties.