In case you were busy brainwashing your current star quarterback so he won’t talk with your former star quarterback lest things get awkward, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- The Los Angeles Dodgers continued their stunning run, pairing an Andre Ethier game-tying ninth-inning home run with 12th-inning heroics from Yasiel Puig to top the New York Mets 5-4. “We’re unstoppable,” yelled veteran second baseman Mark Ellis as he walked home from the stadium after the game with three of his teammates. Just then, in the distance, he heard the sound of a train whistle. Ellis ran onto the tracks. “Come on, Marky,” A.J. Ellis called to his teammate from the safety of the road, but Mark said back to him, “No, uh-uh. I’m gonna dodge it.” A.J. called again to his teammate, “Come on, get off the tracks, you’re crazy,” but Mark stood his ground and said, “Train dodger. Dig it.” Suddenly the locomotive came into view, and A.J. yelled, “Get off the tracks, you want to get yourself killed?” as an increasingly uncomfortable Clayton Kershaw and Hyun-Jin Ryu stood silently by him. Mark then mimed swinging a bat at the train, but as it barreled closer A.J. grabbed him firm and dragged him out of danger. A.J. screamed at his namesake “You want to kill yourself? Is that what you want, goddamnit?” But Mark stared him straight in the eye and said, “The way we’re playing, we could have dodged it.” This would be only one incident in the most meaningful summer of these young men’s lives. Teammates come in and out of your life, but you never have any friends like the ones you do when you’re in a pennant race. Jesus, does anyone?
- Despite the seemingly endless string of heroics taking place at Chavez Ravine, the Arizona Diamondbacks are doing their best to keep the NL West division race alive, walking off for the third consecutive night behind two key hits from Aaron Hill in a 5-4 14-inning win over the Baltimore Orioles. “We’ve found a winning formula, we just have to hit walk-offs every night where we otherwise wouldn’t win,” Hill said after the game. “Think about it: If we can’t lose when we’re losing, and we can’t lose when we’re winning, we can’t lose. Which means we can’t lose. Think about it. It’s so simple.”
- Alfonso Soriano registered a career-high seven RBIs as a resurgent Yankees team beat the Los Angeles Angels 11-3 at Yankee Stadium. Soriano now has 13 RBIs in his last two games, meaning that we can safely write off Tigers third baseman Miguel Cabrera’s attempt at a second consecutive Triple Crown, as Soriano projects to amass another 279.5 RBIs over the Yankees’ remaining 43 games.
- The Tampa Bay Rays ended a six-game losing streak as they rallied in the ninth against newly installed Mariners closer Danny Farquhar to win 5-4. “Don’t fucking make a muffin man, joke,” self-appointed Mariners team cutup Farquhar said after the loss, when fellow reliever Charlie Furbush approached him after the game. “Just please, not now, I’m serious. No jokes about donkeys or ogres or 3rd Rock From the Sun. Nothing. Please. Don’t. I see in your eyes that you want to. Just please, stop looking at me. I’m not going to ’round up the fairy tale creatures,’ so don’t say I am. Don’t do it. Don’t. Seriously. Seriously. What? OK. Fine, just say it. Just do it. Get it out of the way. Do your worst. Talk about how they should be the ‘dragon rays,’ so as to be more like the fictional film that my name is kind of like. Just say it. Why won’t you say anything? What are you doing to me? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the things I said to you, about your name. I’m sorry. Why? Why? Why?” Furbush then smiled and walked away without saying a word, leaving Farquhar mumbling to himself by his locker.
- Striker Jozy Altidore’s second-half hat trick powered the U.S. men’s national team to its 12th consecutive win, as the Stars and Stripes came from behind to top Bosnia-Herzegovina 4-3 in Sarajevo. For those of you who are less well-versed in European football, hat tricks are worth three points, much like field goals in American football. Similarly, strikers are people who kick the ball, much like kickers in American football. So it would be perfectly accurate to compare Altidore’s accomplishment to a kicker converting a routine field goal opportunity.
- The Minnesota Timberwolves re-signed restricted free-agent center Nikola Pekovic to a five-year, $60 million contract. When asked about the move, Wolves president Flip Saunders responded, “You want to know about Pekovic? Really? This isn’t a prank?” When assured that he wasn’t being pranked, Saunders said, “That’s great! Wow! You want to talk about the Wolves! And Nik! He’ll be so happy to know that people care. He’s a great center, just in the prime of his career. Great low-post moves, solid defense. Thank you so much for asking. It means so much just to be noticed. Hey, how are you? Good? You just want to talk for a while? It’s so lonely here. So very, very lonely.”
- The New England Patriots are breathing a sigh of relief after quarterback Tom Brady, who left practice with a knee injury, was reportedly diagnosed with a sprain rather than a more severe injury that might cast his season in doubt. The Buffalo Bills, however, are breathing a sigh of exasperation as they will again have to face Brady twice this year, and will also miss out on the chance to sign Patriots backup Ryan Mallett to a massive contract in the wake of a single good season playing in Brady’s stead.
- Unlike the situation in New England, it appears the New York Jets’ quarterback competition is wide open after Geno Smith’s most recent practice was described by head coach Rex Ryan as “brutal.” Ryan’s assessment suggests that Smith has surged into the front-runner position, considering he described Mark Sanchez’s performance by grimacing, looking sick, turning away, holding up a finger as if to say, “Give me a second, I’m going to be sick,” swallowing deeply, and saying, “Also brutal.”