In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Pablo Sandoval, the Kung Fu Panda, became the fourth player in MLB history to hit three home runs in a World Series game, and the Giants roughed up Justin Verlander to take Game 1 8-3. Tigers manager Jim Leyland was upset at his ace. “We told Justin that even though he may look soft and cuddly — especially when he’s curled up around a bamboo shoot — he’s a very dangerous creature when approached,” Leyland said. “He didn’t listen. There have been over 15 incidents of Kung Fu Panda home run violence this year alone, and most of them could have been avoided with a little pitcher caution.”
- The New York Islanders announced that they will be moving from the Nassau Coliseum on Long Island to the new Barclays Center in Brooklyn starting in 2015. And though they plan to live the bohemian life of a poor artist, they will still be receiving monthly checks from daddy and will not be going near a subway.
- The NFL players’ union and the four players involved in the Saints bounty scandal filed a motion in U.S. District Court to have former commissioner Paul Tagliabue removed from hearing their appeals. “No Tagliabue?” asked current commissioner Roger Goodell. “How about Wisconsin governor Scott Walker? No? How about the ghost of Ronald Reagan? No? How about the guy who murdered Jimmy Hoffa? He’s available.”
- NHL commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters that the league has very little hope of preserving an 82-game season. Out of a sense of politeness, the reporters pretended to be sad.
- After Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall said that the team gift-wrapped Eli Manning’s late touchdown to Victor Cruz, and that Manning wasn’t a “rocket scientist,” Manning responded by saying he “appreciated” the gift. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “AFTER STUDYING SO MANY ROCKETS YOU WOULD THINK THAT HE COULD THROW ONE. SORRY, GUYS; I AM JUST A LITTLE OFF TODAY BECAUSE OF THIS DUEL BUSINESS WITH HEZEKIAH THORN. I I WAS APPROACHED YESTERDAY. LATE AT NIGHT. AN OFFER WAS MADE. I SHOULD NOT CONSIDER IT AND YET I HAVE TO. DO I SELL MY SOUL OR DO I TAKE MY CHANCES FIGHTING AN INSANE WIND ROBOT? IT IS A DEVIL’S BARGAIN.”
- Manchester City, Real Madrid, and Arsenal all lost in a night of Champions League upsets. And now, the robot Hezekiah Thorn: “The clubs of Europe have become glutted with fame and wealth, and rest indolent like the mosquito who has overfed of blood and yawns laggard on the wall, drained of native instinct and ready to be delivered with a swift and terrible blow.” Hey, uh Hezekiah? Shane here. Just a thought, but if you’re going to be around for a while, maybe you should focus on trying to make a joke rather than what you just did, which I would call more of an observation. I know it’s a fine line, but — “I have not yet turned my attention to thy soul, Shane of the House Ryan, but perhaps we two may build an altar and dance upon it, and see then which way we are judged? Dost thou think humor might save thy human oneness when the lightning doth strike?” Nope. Not necessary. None of that. Keep up the great work. Good luck Friday! “Thank you kindly.”
- Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller is healthy and ready to play in this weekend’s game at Penn State. “Oh good,” said PSU coach Bill O’Brien. “I didn’t want anybody to hand me anything on a silver platter.” He then put his head on his desk and began weeping. “I’m not crying!” he insisted between sobs.
- In a survey of NFL fans, Forbes revealed that Ndamukong Suh and Jay Cutler are the least-liked players in the league. Coming in at third was a player named “Jay Suckler” who doesn’t actually exist, and who experts now believe was simply a derisive reference to Cutler. Rounding out the top five were “Fey Cutler” and “Jay Douchebag.”
- In a very important sports story that I hope you all pay really close attention to, Rex Ryan said that Reggie Bush owes Darrelle Revis an apology for suggesting that his season-ending injury was karmic retribution for comments Ryan made before the first Dolphins-Jets game that his team needed to pour “hot sauce” on Bush, which Bush interpreted as an order for Jets players to intentionally hurt him, especially after he had to leave the game with a bruised knee. In related news, every single one of you reading this is now several seconds closer to dying.