In case you were busy hunting for valuable royal bones in a local parking lot, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Tyson Chandler secured his third straight 20-rebound game, becoming the first New York Knick to do so since Willis Reed in 1969, as the Knicks topped the Detroit Pistons, 99-85, at Madison Square Garden. After the game, an excited Chandler said, “I hope to channel that energy in the postseason and have another Willis Reed moment when it really matters.” When asked if he knew exactly what having a Willis Reed moment entailed, Chandler pulled a knife out of his pocket, stared straight into the camera and said, “Yes, I will do anything to motivate my team to win a championship. Anything.”
- The Miami Heat faced a surprisingly stiff challenge from the Charlotte Bobcats, before pulling away late to win, 99-94. After the game, Heat forward Chris Bosh admitted to the media, “I hadn’t even heard of half the guys on their team before the game. Jeff Taylor? Reggie Williams? J’Ichael Mordan? Who are these guys? And how is that Mordan guy so good? Seriously, he looked really familiar; I just can’t place his face. Must be a new acquisition because I’m pretty sure I would have recognized that sweet bushy mustache from our video sessions.”
- After a pair of overtime wins in their previous two matchups, Oklahoma City left nothing to chance as they blew out the Dallas Mavericks, 112-91 at Chesapeake Energy Arena. No, they left nothing to chance at all. At the behest of legendary prankster Russell Westbrook, Thunder newcomer Kevin Martin embedded metal into the rubber lining of all the official game balls, while Hasheem Thabeet used his engineering skills to convert one of the rims into an electromagnet, which he used at key moments in the game to either attract or repel the ball in the air. It was the perfect prank, and everyone on the Thunder (except for total square Thabo Sefolosha) knew what was going on, so the best part was that no one ratted anyone out to coach Scott Brooks, making the evening a total success.
- The Texas Longhorns lost a heartbreaker to the West Virginia Mountaineers, 60-58, to fall to 2-7 in the Big 12. Though the Longhorns overcame an 11-point, second-half deficit to briefly take a 49-47 lead, they were then held to nine points in the final 8:21 of the game. So, in honor of Texas Longhorns head coach Rick Barnes, welcome to another edition of America’s favorite About Last Night feature: “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” America, Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. This concludes the second edition of “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.”
- Syracuse, back in the friendly confines of the Carrier Dome, topped Notre Dame 63-47 to reverse a two-game skid. The game featured a battle between the Grant brothers, Jerian, of Notre Dame, and Jerami, of Syracuse, who are famously the sons of former NBA player Harvey Grant, who is famously the brother of Horace Grant, who is famously not a descendant of Ulysses S. Grant, who is famously not buried at Grant’s Tomb, which is famously located on the west side of Manhattan, which was famously purchased with beads from the Canarsie Indians by Peter Minuit, who famously has a name similar to that of the Inuit tribes of Alaska, which was famously purchased by Secretary of State William Seward, who in the 2012 film Lincoln was famously played by David Strathairn, who in Eight Men Out famously played controversial Chicago “Black” Sox pitcher Eddie Cicotte, who famously retired in disgrace to Michigan, which is famously where Grant Hill started his NBA career, who famously went to Duke, where Notre Dame Head Coach Mike Brey famously started his college career as an assistant coach. Which is all to say, this soon-to-be infamous game was totally thrown.
- Speaking of match fixing, a Europol investigation uncovered 680 suspicious soccer matches from across the globe that may have been affected by organized crime syndicates. While this is a sad day for European soccer on the whole, one band of heroes has emerged from the fray: the Reds of Liverpool FC. See, back in 2009, Debrecen goalkeeper Vukasin Poleksic was paid to guarantee more than three goals would be scored in his side’s Champions League match against Liverpool. But did the Reds oblige the gangsters and villains who would corrupt the world of soccer? No, they did not, scoring only one goal, in spite of the fact that the other team’s goalie had been literally paid to allow goals. And who missed the best chances throughout the match? Steven “Hero” Gerrard, who used only the woodwork and his honor to thwart the foes of justice who attempted to disgrace the game of soccer with their gambling.
- In a battle of Western Conference foes, the Anaheim Ducks handed the San Jose Sharks their first regulation loss of the season, 2-1, at home. Sharks center Joe Thornton said of the loss, “Man, this must be what it feels like when a real shark stops swimming, like breathing is just impossible,” before holding his breath to drive home his point. After about 20 seconds, though, Thornton started to turn blue, before giving up and gasping for air. After he regained his composure, an embarrassed Thornton said, “Losing is nothing like not breathing. Wow. I just gained some valuable perspective.”
- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the blackout that delayed the Super Bowl for half an hour won’t hurt any future bids from New Orleans to host the Super Bowl. Goodell went on to say, “Also, while we’re being totally honest here, the people of New Orleans gave me nothing but support over the week leading up to the Super Bowl, I have yet to hear of any concussion scandal plaguing our sport, and I hope journalists investigate any and all connections between our players and the use of performance-enhancing drugs.”
- The Oakland A’s acquired Jed Lowrie from the Houston Astros in a five-player deal between newly minted division rivals. When asked about the Moneyball implications of the deal, A’s general manager Billy Beane said, “Come on. Can’t I just pick up a solid middle infielder without everyone assuming I have some sort of diabolically elaborate master plan? It’s Jed freaking Lowrie. There’s no number out there that shows that Jed Lowrie has hidden value. He’s just a good baseball player.” After the media left the room disappointed, Beane uncovered a magnetic board hidden behind a poster of Kevin Youkilis. Beane then pulled a special nameplate with Jed Lowrie’s name on it, and added it to the board. A maniacal laugh bubbled up in Beane, as he said, “Fools! Fools! All of them fools!” Suddenly, the nameplates on the board came alive, swirling themselves faster and faster, before forming an interdimensional vortex. “Yes! The prophecy, it is complete,” Beane yelled to no one as he reached through the portal and pulled out a large gem. “The Crystal of Argozyne, lost to the ninth dimension, a treasure for he who could form a perfectly efficient roster of men to swat off swerving, hand-thrown balls. And now it is mine! Mine! Mine!” The vortex then closed, and Beane carefully placed the jewel in a velvet lined box, before putting the Youkilis poster back on his wall.