In case you were out looking at buffalo and thanking the heavens that you never had to actually traverse the Oregon Trail by wagon, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- Paul George and the Indiana Pacers remained red hot at home as they pushed the New York Knicks to the brink of elimination with a 93-82 win. This battle of the second- and third-best teams in the Eastern Conference has now tilted firmly in favor of Indiana, which has New York residents stunned. “This was our year,” said Daniel Czaplinski of Woodside. “We at least had to make it to the Heat. The Pacers? Gimme a break. Who the heck are they?” When asked if he had seen the Pacers play at all this season, Czaplinski said, “Yeah, they had that Zeller kid, and Oladipo. Not sure what happened to them, but Melo shouldn’t be letting this George Paul guy take over. This is an abomination and all these bums should be fired.”
- The Spurs grabbed a pivotal Game 5 win in the friendly confines of San Antonio, beating the Golden State Warriors, 109-91, behind 25 points and 10 assists from Tony Parker. Parker, a noted French person from Belgium, was quietly finishing off a pack of Gauloises after the game before he mused about the idea of a falcon he had in his mind. “You know, bird that does not exist, your ability to fly is less impressive to some because of your lack of corporeal form. But to me, nonexistent falcon I just named Tweet-Tweet, you are more impressive, as you at least know you do not exist, where as real falcons contend daily with the illusion of reality.” After a brief pause when Tweet-Tweet likely asked Parker for his last Gauloise, as Parker dropped one onto the ground next to him, Parker added, “And that is how I defeat the Warriors. They expect me to move at speeds, or to distribute the basketball. But that’s all the secondary creative act. The original creative act was forgetting my own creation. Here, let me imagine a treatise for you to read.” Unfortunately, Tweet-Tweet does not read French, and used Parker’s imaginary philosophical text as bedding for his imaginary nest.
- Despite being outshot 35-20, the Los Angeles Kings continued their Stanley Cup title defense with a 2-0 series-opening win over the San Jose Sharks. When asked if he thought it was possible that the Sharks were sleeping on his team, Kings coach Darryl Sutter refused to answer such an absurd question and demanded that the jester who asked it be removed from his kingdom at once.
- Although Felix Hernandez outdueled CC Sabathia, the New York Yankees, fueled by Robinson Cano, came from behind to beat the Seattle Mariners, 4-3, at Yankees Stadium. Hernandez, who signed a record-breaking contract extension before the season, was seen after the game awkwardly avoiding former Mariner Ichiro Suzuki, because really, what was there to say.
- Top-ranked high school basketball recruit Andrew Wiggins has decided to spend his college years at Kansas. When asked what made the decision for him, he cited the university’s renowned core academic program and emphasis on investing funds in STEM departments. When asked if that meant he would not be playing basketball, Wiggins replied, “No, I’ll play some intramurals, represent my Frosh, but I don’t think freshman year I’ll be ready to take on the responsibility of academics and varsity athletics. I’ll talk to Coach Self once I get a major declared and see if I fit into his program as a sophomore or junior, but no guarantees.”
- Clayton Kershaw threw 8⅔ scoreless innings and scored the winning run as the Dodgers beat the Washington Nationals, 2-0. Kershaw then went ahead and drew up a market price contract for himself that he handed to Dodgers general manager Ned Colletti, who proceeded to stare at it, confused by its terms. “But, but, shouldn’t you be getting more guaranteed years?” Colletti asked, before adding, “and, hmmm, you haven’t proven yourself in the cauldron of Boston. I’m gonna have to sleep on this.” Colletti then immediately fell asleep on his desk, while Kershaw went to get him a pillow so he wouldn’t wake up with a headache.
- Former Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb announced he will retire as an Eagle when his former coach Andy Reid and the Kansas City Chiefs play in Philadelphia on September 19. Philadelphia superfan Christopher “Stuffy” McIntyre was excited about the announcement, yelling, “Donovan! We always loved you! Oh man, except for all those times that you lost. Then we didn’t love you at all. Sorry about your car. And your dog. And your wife. But hey, no blood no foul, am I right? I mean, the DA didn’t seem to agree with that assessment, specifically saying, ‘yes urine, yes foul,’ but, come on. Donovan!”
- The University of Hawaii will once again be the Rainbow Warriors in all men’s sports, including football for the first time since 2000. “See!” said Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder. “How is this different than what I’m doing with my team? It’s a classic name. You gotta stick with the classics. I don’t see the difference.” When asked if he seriously didn’t see the difference, Snyder took the interview off the record, muttered some things, put the interview back on the record, and said, “Nope, no difference at all.”