In case you were busy really getting inside the mind of Barry Zuckerkorn in preparation for the new season of Arrested Development, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- The Los Angeles Kings are one step closer to defending their Stanley Cup crown after Jonathan Quick shut out the San Jose Sharks, 3-0, at Staples Center. The Sharks have now gone more than 96 minutes without a goal, which Kings coach Darryl Sutter credits to “playing a clean game, and keeping all the blood off the ice. Joe Thornton sees blood? Patrick Marleau? You’ve got a feeding frenzy on your hands. But right now they just keep skating by us, real passive, like we’re not even there.” When asked about the Sharks’ home-ice advantage, Sutter added, “Oh, we’re in trouble for Game 6. If you think [Sharks coach] Todd McLellan isn’t going to gut a seal at center ice before the game just to get things going, you don’t know McLellan.”
- Chris Kreider helped the Rangers avoid a sweep with an overtime goal in New York’s 4-3 win over the Boston Bruins. The key moment in the game came in the second period when the Bruins, up 2-0 at the time, gave up a goal when goalkeeper and Klingon warrior Tuukka Rask fell over on a relatively well-defended Rangers breakaway. Rask was defiant after the game when asked if the defeat portended a Rangers comeback, saying, “Hab SoSlI’ Quch! (Your mother has a smooth forehead!)” and then laughing heartily before eating what appeared to be a Targ heart out of a Tupperware container.
- The top-seeded Chicago Blackhawks are on the verge of an early elimination from the NHL playoffs after their 2-0 loss to the Detroit Red Wings left them in a 3-1 series hole. Jimmy Howard, who was dominant in goal for the Red Wings, shutting down Jonathan Toews and the vaunted Blackhawks attack, said after the game, “I’m glad you’re getting in touch with me, as it’s giving me a chance to promote my upcoming film After Earth, which I scored for the masterful director M. Night Shyamalan, but this is James Newton Howard. I assume you want the Red Wings goalkeeper, as you keep asking me questions about pad placement, a matter on which I am by no means an expert.” When told that was absurd, Howard insisted, “He really is a master of suspense. You forget how hard it is to hold together a feature film when expectations are so high.”
- LeBron James was a unanimous selection to the All-NBA First Team, joining Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, Chris Paul, and Tim Duncan. Unfortunately, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich is demanding that Duncan be rested from the honor, leaving the Grizzlies’ Marc Gasol to start in his place.
- In his first game as a manager at Fenway Park since being let go by the Red Sox, Terry Francona led his red-hot Cleveland Indians to a 12-3 win over Boston. “It was an emotional evening for me, it was tough to keep it together and do my job,” Francona said after the game. “I got pretty heated filling out the lineup card. Then the ennui set in and I almost choked on a wad of chewing tobacco. Then Zach McAllister let his pitch count get away from him, and I just started bawling as I called down to the bullpen for Cody Allen. Then late in the game I was so overcome with hysterical laughter, I almost didn’t give Cord Phelps an opportunity to get an at-bat. Just a tough night all around, but I’m glad I was able to do the brutally hard work of being a field manager, which got my team the win.”
- Robert Griffin III said at Redskins training camp that his goal is to be ready to play Week 1, but that he’s prioritizing the long-term success of his career over rushing back. Redskins coach Mike Shanahan echoed Griffin’s comments, saying, “His goal is to be ready to play Week 1, but he’s prioritizing the long-term success of his career by rushing back.” When asked if he had misspoken, Shanahan said, “no, you heard me; he’ll be back,” and stared at the reporter with a deathly chill in his eye.
- Andrew McCutchen had two early RBIs as the Pittsburgh Pirates held on to win their fourth straight game, 4-2 over the Chicago Cubs. Edwin Jackson, who fell to 1-7 after taking the loss for the Cubs, said, “OK, so I’m not into this supernatural junk. But I’ve watched film of me with the Cardinals two years ago, and film of me here. I’m doing the exact same things. How are my results so different? And also, why are all of my dreams horrific nightmares where I and all of my teammates crash our plane onto a deserted island? And why do I taste burning metal in the back of my throat when I think a happy thought? I guess what I’m saying is that I’d take a DFA at this point.”
- The Colorado Avalanche are hiring team legend Patrick Roy as their new head coach. So just in case you forgot, here’s your friendly reminder that Patrick Roy’s name is not pronounced the way it’s spelled, but instead is pronounced Patrick Roy. No, not like that. Again, Patrick Roy. No no, that time you messed up the Patrick part. Try one more time. Patrick Roy. Oh man, this is a lost cause. OK. Patrick. NO! Come on! Patrick. Close, OK, now, Roy. Are you kidding me? You just said Patrick again. Practice this weekend and we’ll try again on Monday.