In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- The L.A. Kings are Stanley Cup champions. For the first time in franchise history, they’re taking home the title after a 6-1 rout of the New Jersey Devils in Game 6. With the end of the NHL season, Canadians allowed themselves a night of celebration before migrating to their caves this morning to begin a long hibernation. But be warned — just because they’re inactive for a few months doesn’t mean you can disturb them without consequence. Canadians have been known to react violently when woken from a hibernation slumber. They can rise quickly to defend themselves if they think an attack is imminent — a necessary skill, since they can’t burrow underground for protection.
- In a delayed finish to the French Open final, Rafael Nadal finished off Novak Djokovic in the fourth set to claim his record seventh Coupe des Mousquetaires. With the win, he eclipsed the previous record of six titles held by Björn Borg, which is short for Björn Cyborg, which means that the humans are back on top in the tennis world, except that Rafael Nadal is short for Rafael-uminum-man Nadalski, which means that he’s a communist cyborg, which is even worse. I know it sounds crazy, but all this information comes straight from John McEnroe-bot, and I think he’d know.
- Boxing promoter Bob Arum has requested a Nevada attorney general investigation into the decision that gave Timothy Bradley a controversial win over Manny Pacquiao Saturday. Minutes after the statement, Timothy Bradley announced his candidacy for the office of Nevada attorney general.
- After failing to live up to his own standards in two previous NBA Finals, LeBron James has vowed that this time, he will have no regrets. “I’m Le-Bron, I’m Le-Bron, I’m Le-Bron,” sang James, to the tune of “I Will Follow Him,” as Shane Battier and Chris Bosh danced in the background. “And this time I’m a winner, a winner, a winner! We’ll defeat the Thunder, the Thunder, the Thunder, we’ll eat ’em up for dinner, for dinner, for dinner. And I’ll have no regrettttttssss no regrets as long as I shall livveeeeeee there isn’t a jumper too deep a defender so tall he could keeeeeep, keep me awayyyyyy awayyyyy from the rimmmmm!” (You had to be there Bosh’s dancing really stole the show.)
- Andre Ethier and the L.A. Dodgers have agreed to a five-year, $85 million contract extension that will last through 2017. Man, I hope the negotiations went “ethier” than the divorce settlement between the McCourts, am I right? Who’s with me on that one? Anyone want to hang out? Anyone want to be my friend?
- Billionaire Robert Pera, who has made his money in computer software, has agreed to purchase the Memphis Grizzlies for a price thought to be in the $350 million range. This is a monumental step for the Grizzlies, who have always been owned by actual grizzly bears. But the fans got fed up when the previous owners kept trying to sign Shannon Brown, Kwame Brown, and head coach Mike Brown to exorbitant, wasteful contracts.
- Bryce Harper had three hits in his return to the starting lineup and Edwin Jackson pitched eight strong innings as the Nationals topped the Blue Jays 6-3. More than 18,000 spirited fans attended the game at the Rogers Centre in Toronto, celebrating the last night before hibernation begins.
- Four days after being released by the New England Patriots, Chad Ochocinco signed a one-year deal with the Miami Dolphins. The minute he finished signing, team representatives threw the dolphin mascot costume on the table and urged him to try it on. “I knew I should have read it,” muttered Ochocinco, staring bitterly at the contract.
- Albert Pujols’s two-out single in the top of the ninth drove home the winning run as the Angels beat the Dodgers 3-2 in the first game of the Los Angeles derby. Andre Ethier went 0-4 with three strikeouts, and I think it’s time to start asking: Is he living up to his new contract? (I hope it gets “ethier” as time goes along, right? RIGHT?! Seriously, if anyone wants to hang out, I’m not doing anything for like days.)