In case you were busy finally figuring out the trick to seeing the hidden image in those Magic Eye posters, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- LeBron James became the first player in NBA history to score 30 points on better than 60 percent shooting from the field in six consecutive games as the Miami Heat beat the Portland Trail Blazers, 117-104, at home. “What’s with these newfangled statistics?” asked elderly Miami resident Saul Zinman. “Points? Shooting percentage? When I played, we only had two statistics in netball — bouncy passes and bloody noses, and I led the Staten Island Pantaloons in both. Also, all the teams used to be named for types of pants: The San Francisco Denim Men, the Columbus Corduroys, the Weehawken Torn Trousers. I bet you three nickels there’s not a single team left named after a type of pants.”
- Michigan State dominated the Michigan Wolverines, winning at home, 75-52. Glenn Robinson III and Tim Hardaway Jr. were both held to only two points on the night, as Spartans coach Tom Izzo’s patented “You’ll Never Be As Good As Your Father” defense was in full effect in East Lansing. Hardaway explained, “It started in the locker room as videos of our dads were looped on every TV. We thought it was a funny joke at first, but then individual frames of horrible images like graves and rotting mice were spliced in.” Robinson then added, “Yeah, and when we got on the court, instead of regular chants, all the students just shook their heads and sighed, ‘Disappointed.’ And then instead of holding up those big cardboard heads, they held up pictures of graves and rotting mice. It didn’t really make any sense, but man, for some reason those images really reminded me of my dad, and how I’ll probably never live up to his standard for success.”
- Rudy Gay hit the game-winning jumper as the Toronto Raptors cooled off the Denver Nuggets at the Air Canada Centre, 109-108. Gay, who was recently traded from the Memphis Grizzlies, said after the game, “Yeah, it’s so good not to be in Memphis anymore, you know? I love it up here in Toronto.” Gay then paused to check to see if he had any new messages on his phone before going on to say, “But, um, Memphis hasn’t said anything about me have they? I really don’t care if they have, but like, they haven’t, have they? I’ve been doing really well up here, and it’s not a big deal whether they notice or not; I’m just curious.”
- Kobe Bryant scored just four points, but the Los Angeles Lakers still found a way to win at home, topping the Phoenix Suns, 91-85. Bryant said after the game, “Was I sending a message with my performance tonight? Maybe I was; maybe I wasn’t.” When pressed as to what message he might have been sending, Bryant admitted, “Honestly, I can’t remember. I was all mad during warm-ups, and Dwight looked at me weird, and I was like, ‘Fine, I won’t even shoot tonight,’ but that wasn’t the precipitating incident I don’t know man. Do any of you remember? If so, would you please tell me, because I feel like a real jerk right now.”
- Henrik Lundqvist and the New York Rangers beat the Boston Bruins, 4-3, in a shootout at the TD Garden. For those of you who aren’t big hockey fans, the Rangers and Bruins are basically the Yankees and Red Sox of the hockey world, and with pitchers and catchers reporting, I sure do wonder how Derek Jeter is going to bounce back from his broken ankle, and whether the Red Sox are going to have the clubhouse chemistry necessary to contend for the playoffs. For those of you who are big hockey fans, I’m deeply sorry about everything I just wrote, and would like to make it up to you by inviting you all to start a conversation about whether Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist is overrated in the comments section below.
- The Anaheim Ducks topped the Chicago Blackhawks, 3-2, in a shootout, as 30-year-old rookie goalkeeper Viktor Fasth maintained his perfect record over his first six NHL starts. “Ith been a dream shtart to my career,” Fasth said after the win, “but people keep shaying my name wrong. Itth pronounshed Fasth, not Fasth, Fasth. Like how a rashecar ith fasth. Fasth.”
- Paris Saint-Germain took a 2-1 lead in their Champions League matchup with Valencia, but suffered a huge setback late, as Swedish striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic received a red card for violent conduct after stepping on an opponent’s ankle. Ibrahimovic explained after the match, “Ever since I signed with PSG, I’ve been looking for the perfect way to manifest my love for the French culture, and I figured what could be better than a red card on a meaningless tackle as time runs out on a match already won. Aren’t we all just cruelly tackling each other meaninglessly as we stagger our way through this life that we’ve already won?” French soccer legend Zinedine Zidane responded to Ibrahimovic’s comments, saying, “His way is weak. You must wait for the score to be level to get the red card, so that you can experience the pain of knowing that, as death creeps up around you, you yourself are responsible for your own demise. There is no god, no past, no present. There is only pain and consciousness, and they are simultaneously birthing and destroying each other inside of you. But, um, good effort with the stamping, Zlatty.” Zidane punctuated his dig at Ibrahimovic with a minute-long drag off of a Gauloises.
- The IOC has announced that the sport of wrestling will be dropped from the 2020 Summer Olympic games. Although the move was met with outrage, IOC president Jacques Rogge was unrepentant, saying, “What do you think this Olympics thing is? Some sort of celebration of sport?” Rogge then announced the contenders for new events at the 2020 games, all of which were unaired episodes of the hit CBS comedy The Big Bang Theory.
- Banana Joe became the first affenpinscher to win the Westminster Kennel Club’s best in show prize which is I’m gonna hold it together good for him. According to his handler, Banana Joe speaks four languages. Which yeah sure he’s a talking dog. OK, fine. Holding it together. And sure, he’s ugly, and is only named Banana Joe because his breed is noted for looking like a monkey but can’t hold it AHHHHH! HOW DID SWAGGER THE SHEEPDOG NOT WIN? Look at this dog! Oh, wait, he lost because he doesn’t speak any languages, because he’s a dog, and dogs can’t talk?? This is an outrage! Also, hold on, do dog shows count as sports now? Because I’m pretty sure that a dog named Banana Joe got more time on SportsCenter tonight than all the NHL. So again, for those of you who are big hockey fans, I’m deeply sorry about everything I just wrote, and please feel free to use today’s comments section to discuss whatever hockey-related topics strike your fancy.