In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Kevin Durant told reporters he wasn’t impressed with Blake Griffin’s dunk over Kendrick Perkins. “I have no appreciation for it at all,” he said, even going so far as to imply that it was a layup. When Griffin heard the quote, he retired to his study, opened a hidden drawer in his davenport, and retrieved an emerald-studded dueling pistol wrapped in a pristine white glove. “There you are, Guinevere,” he said, caressing the weapon. “I hope you haven’t forgotten our little dance.”
- Durant’s teammate, Russell Westbrook, scored 33 points to lead the Thunder over the Mavericks 95-86. After the game, Dirk Nowitzki cornered Westbrook in the dark parking lot. “Tell your friend he can expect a social call from Lady Guinevere,” he whispered, before running off into the night. “Who’s Guinevere?” Westbrook shouted to the departing figure. “And why are you wearing a cape?”
- The Patriots are looking into a special cleat that will help Rob Gronkowski play in the Super Bowl despite his high ankle sprain. The designers of the shoe said everything was going pretty well, other than an awkward moment when Bill Belichick asked if they could make retractable bowie knives come out of the side via remote control.
- Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw surprised everyone by participating in a limited practice Wednesday, running well on the broken bone in his right foot. Tom Coughlin was so proud of his player’s toughness that he pulled him aside and screamed profanities in his face for a full minute before grimacing in a way that indicated Bradshaw was responsible for everything bad in the world.
- The Florida State coaching staff celebrated after landing defensive tackle Eddie Goldman, one of the top recruits in the country. “Losing with a guy like that on the front line will be my greatest underachievement yet!” said ecstatic Seminole head coach Jimbo Fisher.
- Floyd Mayweather was granted a license by the Nevada State Athletic Commission to fight Miguel Cotto on May 5. As a show of gratitude, Mayweather granted each member of the Commission a license plate, which he promised to make himself when he serves a 90-day jail sentence for domestic violence beginning in June.
- Colts owner Jim Irsay will meet with Peyton Manning next week, but any decision about the quarterback’s future with the team will wait until March, when a $28 million option bonus comes due. “I hope it’s not like the last meeting,” said Manning, “when he clearly staged a series of loud noises behind me to check how my neck was moving.” Irsay called the accusation “ridiculous,” and said the box of whistles he was holding was for a charity referee camp.
- Michigan freshman Trey Burke scored 18 points as the no. 22 Wolverines maintained their perfect home mark, beating no. 20 Indiana 68-56. “See? Everything’s perfect in Michigan!” said a time traveler from 1950.
- After missing three games because of an academic issue, Syracuse center Fab Melo has been reinstated. “Just a slight misunderstanding with a professor,” Orange coach Jim Boeheim told the media. “But Laurie Fine had sex with him and now everything’s fine.”