In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Angels hurler Jered Weaver threw MLB’s second no-hitter of the season, striking out nine and walking one in a 9-0 win over the Twins. “Why couldn’t you be perfect?” screamed Weaver’s mother, who was actually Weaver himself wearing a wig and staring in a mirror. “You’re nothing! You’ll always be nothing!” Man, Jered Weaver is complicated.
- The top-ranked Spurs cruised to a 2-0 lead in their series with the Jazz, winning 114-83 on the strength of Tony Parker’s 18 points and nine assists. Utah coach Tyrone Corbin conducted his interview in the back of smoky bar, wearing sunglasses, and when a reporter asked him about his team’s chances, he just smiled coolly shook his head. “Man,” he said, “if you have to ask how hopeless the Jazz are, you’ll never know.”
- Danny Granger’s 26 points and nine boards gave the Pacers a 97-74 win in Orlando and a 2-1 series edge. In lieu of a joke about the game, here’s a new feature called “Dwight Howard Trivia.” Did you know: If you play chess with Dwight Howard, he will always eat at least one of the pawns and claim that it’s now “invisible.”
- O.J. Mayo scored 10 points in the fourth quarter to ensure Memphis didn’t repeat their Game 1 collapse in a 105-98 win over the Clippers. “You can’t hold the Mayo!” he yelled over and over again, pounding his chest before noticing other players’ reactions. “Yo, why does everyone keep giggling at me?! You can’t hold the Mayo! The Mayo is spread thick! Y’all about to get some extra Mayo on the si- oh, okay, I see it now.”
- Marian Goborik scored in the third overtime to give the Rangers a 2-1 sudden death win over the Capitals and a 2-1 series lead. Hey, anyone else up for calling him “Ranger ‘Rik”? You know, from the kid’s nature magazine? With the conservation and the birds and- ah FORGET IT YOU GUYS ARE LAME.
- Predators goalie Pekka Rinne came up with 32 saves to shut out the Coyotes in a 2-0 win. As the tension builds and the series winds to a conclusion, the cities of Phoenix and Nashville are considering the addition of 10,000 riot police to their downtown areas, and rumors are spreading in Washington that Barack Obama may impose martial law as a precaution.
- Chipper Jones hit a walk-off two-run homer to end a wild 15-13 Braves win over the Phillies. “I feel like I’m 40 years old again!” yelled an ecstatic Jones from the ice baths.
- Sources report that Stanford Athletic Director Bob Bowlsby will accept an offer to become the next commissioner of the Big 12. In light of this news, let me be the first to congratulate the Big 12 on their impending success in sports like roller blading and rafting, and let me also offer to ghost write the novel about how they used to have good football teams.
- Barcelona’s Lionel Messi notched a hat trick in a win over Malaga to set the all-time European club scoring record with 68 goals on the season. The previous record-holder, German striker Gerd Mueller, still holds the record for most goals in a season without smiling.
I’m putting the call out for Reader’s Revenge, the feature where we take stories from you, the reader, and feature the best ones in a top ten list. This week’s topic is Your Worst Moment with the In-Laws/Significant Other’s Family. Click the link to see the last installment and get more info if you have no idea what I’m going on about, and otherwise send your best stories to firstname.lastname@example.org by Sunday. As of today, this topic is wide open.