In case you were busy refusing to elect Michael Richards to the Hall of Krame because of character issues, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- Kevin Durant had 48 points, but the Oklahoma City Thunder still fell to the Utah Jazz, 112-101. “This loss is on me,” a passive-aggressive Durant said after the game. “I mean, I don’t know what else I could do. But obviously it was somehow my fault.” Durant then sighed deeply and added, “I’m sure my teammates did the best they could. And far be it from me to suggest they be better.” Durant then fell awkwardly quiet for an extended period of time before being asked if anything was wrong. Durant then sighed again and said, “No, no. Everything’s fine. Totally fine.”
- Keith Appling’s clutch overtime 3-pointer made the difference as Michigan State handed previously undefeated Ohio State a 72-68 loss at the Breslin Center. Now that the clash of Big Ten contenders is complete, the Breslin Center can return to its academic role on the Michigan State campus as the preeminent research facility for studying the work of actor Abigail Breslin. Upcoming lectures include “I Saw the Signs: Breslin, Mel Gibson, and Twists,” “Little Miss Darkness: Gender Normativity and Sexuality in Youth Beauty Pageantry,” “300: Are Spartans Without Breslin Spartans at All?” and “August: Osage County: Colons in Breslin Film Titles: A Study.”
- The Chicago Bulls waived newly acquired center Andrew Bynum, preventing a clause in his contract that guaranteed $6 million for the second half of the season from kicking in. “Oh, no big deal,” Bynum said of the move. “I’ll just sign somewhere else. Miami? I really don’t care. Besides, I’ve made $73 million in my career despite never once prioritizing my physical well-being over my pursuit of immediate pleasure. So if you’ll excuse me, I have a joust to complete.” Bynum then hopped on his polo pony Giorgio, grabbed a big stick, and shouted, “To Medieval Times, Giorgio! Mush!”
- LeBron James supplied 32 points as the Miami Heat overturned a halftime deficit to beat the New Orleans Pelicans, 107-88. “That’s an old family recipe,” James said of the win. “Take a pelican, add some heat, and you got a win.” James then added, “You can also sub in the Hawks or the Bulls on this recipe, but definitely not Knickerbockers. That gets real weird, real fast.”
- Despite taking a skate to the stomach, Flyers center Brayden Schenn still hit the overtime winner as Philadelphia topped the New Jersey Devils, 3-2. “Well I think we found our good-luck charm,” Flyers head coach Craig Berube said after the game. “The Ol’ Philly Gutskate.” When told that the Ol’ Philly Gutskate was already a thing, and that it was far worse than a mere skate to the stomach, Berube asked, “What is it?” before shaking his head and saying, “No, you know what? Don’t tell me.”
- Reports out of Oakland suggest that Raiders head coach Dennis Allen will keep his job. However, these appearances are likely the result of the inability for the living to fully understand the machinations of the spirits that exist beyond our realm. Allen’s situation is actually quite precarious as the spirit of Al Davis, having been freed from his corporeal form, is far more powerful than he was while tethered to the limitations of a tangible body, even if he is now less immediately terrifying to behold.
- Despite losing a 16-point fourth-quarter lead, Manu Ginobili hit a last-second layup as the Spurs notched a 110-108 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies in overtime. “I’m getting too old for this shit, Tim,” Ginobili said after the game to Tim Duncan, who smiled at his longtime teammate and said, “Me too, man. I’m getting too old for this shit, too.” Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich then came into the locker room and announced, “Another tight win? Guys, I’m getting too old for this shit,” before Frenchman and Spurs point guard Tony Parker added, “While age is just an illusion conjured up by our mortal notion of time, I, too, would say that I am too old for this merde.” Unfortunately for the four longest-tenured members of the Spurs organization, they all remain just one season away from getting their pensions and sailing around the world with their respective wives just like they always promised, so they’ll have to gut it out and hope nothing too crazy happens, like a villainous cabal from Houston assuring their malevolent will on the Western Conference. No, no, they’re all too old for that shit.