In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- In an annual major league baseball tradition, the best hitters at every position were awarded for their fielding.
- According to a source, three Georgia running backs were issued a one-game suspension for failing a drug test. “They didn’t do things the Georgia way,” said head coach Mark Richt. “Thank God!” said a group of nearby sheep.
- Patriots receiver Julian Edelman was arrested on one count of indecent assault for reportedly groping a woman at a Halloween party in Boston. “We understand that he was dressed up as Ben Roethlisberger for the holiday,” said a city policeman, “but he took it too far.”
- The Big East is set to invite six teams to join the conference. Navy, Air Force, and Boise State will be invited for football only, while SMU, Houston, and Central Florida will be invited for all sports. If all goes well, this will be the final step in commissioner John Marinatto’s master plan to create the most god-awful conference in history.
- NBA players’ union executive director Billy Hunter sent a letter to players urging them to stand united on the revenue split issue. He also assured them that his supply of inkwells and parchment is well stocked, and that he’s capable of writing letters “well into the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Twelve, come damnation or deluge. Your most humble servant, William Ezekiel Hunter, Esquire.”
- New York Rangers coach John Tortorella told reporters that Sharks captain Joe Thornton, who called his team soft, should “just shut up.” Classic, classic, classic, classic, CLASSIC Tortorella!
- With free agency looming, pitcher C.J. Wilson says he likes Texas and that there’s a great chance he’ll return to the club. But when asked what his favorite part of being a Ranger was, he replied, “Probably the road games. Especially in New York.”
- Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh met with commissioner Roger Goodell Tuesday to discuss his recent style of play and whether it justified the penalties and fines he’s received. Suh also took the chance to ask Goodell if there was any wiggle room in his draconian “no-knives” rule.
- In the ESPN/USA Today women’s basketball preseason poll, Baylor is no. 1. Just hours after the ranking was announced, a trusted messenger on horseback delivered the Lady Bears a congratulatory letter, stamped with a privy seal, from Billy Hunter.
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