In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Charles Robinson of Yahoo! Sports reported that a booster named Nevin Shapiro gave illicit benefits to University of Miami football players for almost a decade. Shapiro provided the players with cash, strippers, high-end meals, fancy hotel rooms, trips, jewelry, on-field bounties, and prostitutes. In Shapiro’s defense, all those things can really be boiled down to two categories: “prostitutes” and “means of procuring prostitutes.” So the whole thing should blow over pretty soon.
- New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is under the impression that he’s in “the same class” as Tom Brady. Without further context, we have to assume he was referring to the biological class ‘mammalia,’ to which all humans belong, and not the more specific ‘viable quarterback’ species.
- After a California meeting between NBA players and owners, Kevin Love and others called the latest offer from the owners unacceptable. “At the end of the day we’re the product and the moneymaker and I don’t see (the owners) going out there and playing,” said Love. “Just watch me!” retorted 76-year-old Milwaukee Bucks owner Herb Kohl, who promptly broke his spine trying to lift a basketball.
- The cardiac Braves beat the Giants, 2-1, with yet another walk-off hit, this time by Martin Prado. After his single, Prado’s teammates mobbed him on the field, covering him with dirt and hitting him with the rosin bag. As the frenzy reached a fever pitch, the dirt turned to stones and Prado was sacrificed to appease the walk-off gods, who according to legend will not return unless they are paid in blood.
- The Brewers remained red-hot, beating the Dodgers 2-1 on Mark Kotsay’s walk-off single. When asked how the Brewers have won 18 of their last 20, Kotsay told reporters, “we’ve found our identity.” He then reached into his locker, put on a feathered cabaret mask, and sang an old vaudeville number with Prince Fielder.
- Walk-off night continued in Houston, as Brian Bogusevic hit a ninth-inning grand slam to help the Astros stun the Cubs 6-5. Bogusevic, a Houston-area dentist, said he’d just joined the Astros for the night on a dare from friends, but was happy he could help the team.
- The NFL supplemental draft, scheduled for today, has been postponed. No word yet on whether Terrelle Pryor will be included when it finally happens, or if he’ll be free to pursue his college diploma this season. (long pause) What? Why is everyone laughing?
- New information emerged from a traffic incident involving Oregon football players last June. After being stopped for driving 118mph, Ducks cornerback Cliff Harris responded to the cop’s inquiry about marijuana by admitting, “we smoked it all.” No word yet on whether Harris will be suspended from school, or if he’ll be free to pursue his college diploma this year. (longer pause) Seriously, what is so damn funny?!
- Justin Verlander solidified his Cy Young front-runner status with his league-leading 18th win, in a 7-1 Tigers romp over the Twins. The strong performance will undoubtedly make the next entry in Angels starter Jered Weaver’s “diary of grievances,” a private book which mostly features pictures of Verlander and C.C. Sabathia in Darth Vader costumes.
- The Red Sox turned an old-fashioned triple play to top the Rays 3-1 in the first game of a doubleheader, but couldn’t overcome Desmond Jennings’ spectacular catch in night cap as they fell 6-2. The loss put the Sox a half-game behind New York in the AL East, but Red Sox fans remained confident, reminding friends, family, and each other that the ‘Yankees suck.’
- Roy Halladay struck out 14, but it wasn’t enough as the Diamondbacks staged a 9th-inning rally and beat the Phillies 3-2. Some critics were upset that Phillies manager Charlie Manuel didn’t go to his bullpen in the last inning, to which a cranky Manuel responded, “I’d like to see you make a pitching change when you’re sleeping. Jerks.”
Follow Grantland on Twitter and check out our page on Facebook. Click here to read more on The Triangle.
Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org