In case you were out being a real Party Time Jack, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- NFL tight end Aaron Hernandez has been officially charged with murder and released by the Patriots. “Now that’s what I call a bad day!” said Lenny Dykstra, who was named Hernandez’s defense attorney by a bizarre, nonreversible computer error at the Massachusetts Department of Justice. “Does anybody have any chew? There’s none in my briefcase. In fact, the briefcase is totally empty. Unless you count the moisture. I found it in a Dumpster really late last night. Where are we at on that chew?”
- Roger Federer was upset in the second round at Wimbledon, losing in four sets to Sergiy Stakhovsky. Sorry guys, but it’s really hard to see one of my heroes go down like this, and I can’t just turn off my emotions and make a joke. I mean, what do you say when a legend falls? When perfection fails? It’s heartbreaking. All you can do is ask why. WHYYYYY, AARON HERNANDEZ?! WHY DID YOU (ALLEGEDLY) MURDER SOMEONE!!?! YOU WERE THE LIGHT OF NEW ENGLAND!!!! YOU WERE THE FLAME IN MY SOUL!!!
- R.A. Dickey threw a two-hitter as the Blue Jays topped the Rays, 3-0. “Battered to veins slow ladles of spark,” said Dickey, in his patented KnuckleSpeak. “If craven we mobs disgust orange infamy, shall talent wound harvest in summertime Judas? Banish canines last. Only a renegade barmaid to cherish. Gray City of Flakes: Each crop’s memory cage in wicked flame, each fang solves clashing lunar demons.”
- Larry Bird will be returning to the Indiana Pacers as president of basketball operations. In a move many see as an attempt to protect his spot as the goofiest-looking dude in the franchise, Tyler Hansbrough announced that he will immediately start wearing cutoff overalls with one shoulder strap dangling. “No undershirt,” he emphasized, while chewing a wheat stalk. “No shoes. No deodorant. And also, constant erections. Medical condition. Can’t be helped.”
- The Lakers unveiled a banner at Staples Center designed to convince Dwight Howard to stay in Los Angeles. The massive 1,000-square-foot banner contains disturbingly graphic scenes of players being eaten to death by rabid, infected fans in the 29 other NBA arenas, along with an ominous warning in Gothic script: “THE PLAGUE IS COMING. YOU ARE THE CHOSEN SON. SIGN THE CONTRACT, OR BE EATEN BY PEOPLE!”
- John Lackey struck out a season-high 12 batters, leading the Red Sox to a series sweep of the Rockies with a 5-3 win. “I just want to give all the credit to my awesome, rock-star manager John Farrell,” said Lackey, in his patented LackeySpeak. “He is the best, guys. Just a classy guy who also happens to be a brilliant baseball mind. All 12 strikeouts are really his, when you think about it.”
- The NCAA put the Oregon football program on a three-year probation period for “failure to monitor,” with a loss of one scholarship for the next two years and a show-cause order against former coach Chip Kelly. “A show-cause order is a sort of legal tactic, if you will, designed to ‘show’ the ’cause’ of a thing,” said Massachusetts defense attorney Lenny Dykstra. “It’s like a law term, you know, just a classic old law term and Does nobody have any chew around here? Am I in fucking HELL?!”
- A source told ESPN that A-Rod believes the Yankees are purposefully slowing his return from injury in order to recover 80 percent of his 2013 salary through insurance. “That’s the least of your fucking worries, man,” said Dwight Howard, in a panicked call to A-Rod. “There is some bad shit going down, and you need to get to Los Angeles fast.”