In case you were busy watching The Great Gatsby in 3-D as an ill-advised cram session for your 11th-grade English final, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- The Miami Heat rebounded from a disappointing Game 1 defeat by pasting the Chicago Bulls, 115-78, to even up their second-round series. After a pair of ejections, the Bulls found themselves playing without Derrick Rose, Kirk Hinrich, Luol Deng, Joakim Noah, and Taj Gibson, meaning they had to play a mostly reserve lineup of B.J. Armstrong, Jud Buechler, Toni Kukoc, Bill Wennington and Luc Longley. Despite the influx of forgotten veterans, the oldest player on the court remained Heat reserve Juwan Howard, who was inactive with “being tired, man; real, real tired.”
- Klay Thompson had 34 points and 14 rebounds as the Golden State Warriors held off the San Antonio Spurs, 100-91. Midway through Thompson’s explosive first half, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich was seen staring at the Warriors’ wing, mumbling, “decent athleticism, floor-stretching 3-point shooting, on a rookie contract … how do I not possess him?” Popovich then wiped off the small amount of drool that had collected at the corner of his mouth, snapped at Spurs guard Danny Green for being a “lollygagger,” before making a mental note to himself to take the title of “general manager” back from R.C. Buford after the game.
- The Boston Bruins took a commanding 3-1 series lead over the Toronto Maple Leafs with a 4-3 overtime win, and now head back to the TD Garden with a chance to close out the series. There they will be met by former Law & Order star Sam Waterston, who will explain to the Bruins that there is no need to close out the series just yet, what with the tax implications, and will then assess a number of confusing fees and surcharges on the Bruins. It will then be explained to Waterston that TD had parted ways with him as a spokesperson almost 18 months ago, and that he had been asked repeatedly to stop showing up at the arena. He will then start yelling, “I’m Jack McCoy!” before breaking down in tears.
- Bryce Harper hit his 10th home run, and Jordan Zimmerman won his sixth game as the Washington Nationals topped the Detroit Tigers, 3-1, at Nationals Park. “Just two good baseball teams playing a close baseball game,” a suspiciously humble Harper said after the game. “Nothing but mutual respect and admiration; a bunch of the best baseball players in the world were involved in this one, and I’m glad we happened to get the win.” Harper then turned back to his locker, but no one in the assembled media moved. Harper then looked over his shoulder, sighed, and said, “Fine, they’re a bunch of sucks who suck, and I’m the greatest. You guys happy now?”
- Nick Bonino’s overtime goal gave the Anaheim Ducks a pivotal 3-2 victory in their Game 5 clash with the Red Wings. “Detroit gets all the breaks,” Ducks captain Ryan Getzlaf said after the game. “That’s a city that has been riding too high for too long. So I’m glad we were able to take them down a peg or two. That it happened at the Honda Center only makes our triumph sweeter.” Getzlaf then twirled the edges of his “playoff mustache,” while cackling to himself.
- George Karl was named the NBA’s Coach of the Year for the first time in his 25-season career after leading the Denver Nuggets to a 57-win season. Karl’s victory was bittersweet, as his Nuggets have already been eliminated from the postseason, which meant that he had to change into something other than sweatpants for his press conference.
- In a critical EPL London Derby, Chelsea and Spurs drew, 2-2, in a riveting match, leaving them both in prime position to snag the final two Champions League spots out of the top flight of English football. Alternatively, in what passes for an exciting EPL match (given the title has been clinched along with two of the three relegation positions), two large clubs from London continued their uninspired play as Tottenham Hotspur was able to squeak out a draw against a team that still starts Fernando Torres at striker. Either way.
- Thierry Henry scored two goals, including a game-winning bicycle kick as his New York Red Bulls beat the Montreal Impact, 2-1, in MLS play. The former Arsenal man and noted Frenchman said after the match, “To score the goal with the two-wheeled kick appears special, but when you accept that space is an illusion, then the ball has already entered the net before I glide my meat sack of a leg vertically to make contact with nothingness.” Henry then took a deep drag off of a Camel Light, before adding, “Or perhaps not. Ever since I switched over to these American cigarettes, I’ve begun to think that maybe things are not so bad. I bummed one of my beloved Gauloises off of Arsene when I was on loan with the old club, and all I learned is that love, like life, is fleeting. These Camels, though, they teach me to go to, how would you say it, flavor country?”