In case you were busy frantically shorting Arian Foster futures, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- Mike Napoli hit a monster home run as the Boston Red Sox got to Anibal Sanchez and beat the Tigers, 4-3, to take a 3-2 ALCS lead back to Fenway Park. When asked how big a moment the home run was for him, Napoli shrugged, scratched his hairy face, and said, “Smallish? Scale of 1-10? I honestly don’t care enough to rate it.” When asked where he’d place the team’s win in the context of Red Sox franchise history, Napoli yawned, drooled a little into his mustache, and said, “I couldn’t care less about history. The only thing more boring than new baseball is old baseball.” When asked why he has devoted his life to a pursuit he apparently thinks little of, Napoli stroked his beard and said, “Duh, beards.” When told he didn’t have to play baseball to grow a beard, Napoli chortled, filling his beard with spittle and sunflower-seed detritus, and asked, “Now who’s being naive?” Napoli then ignored a text message from his girlfriend and said, “Now if you don’t mind, my beard and I would like a little alone time,” before walking into a supply closet at Comerica Park carrying a gilded comb.
- Russell Wilson threw for three touchdowns as the Seattle Seahawks improved to a franchise-best 6-1 by beating the Arizona Cardinals, 34-22. “Oh hey, Carson, over here,” Wilson said, grabbing the attention of Cardinals quarterback Carson Palmer after the game. “Hey, um, this is kinda awkward, but you and Coach Carroll, um, you guys used to—” Palmer grimaced and interrupted Wilson. “Yeah, yeah. Pete and I used to be a thing. Years ago. Wow, was that more than 10 years ago now? Man, time flies.” Wilson nodded at Palmer. “That’s cool man. Coach Carroll’s great. But, um, hey, I was hoping you could give me some insight. Has he always been a little …” Wilson trailed off, unable to find the adjective he was looking for to describe Carroll’s energy. “You know … I mean, things are getting serious and—” Palmer smiled and cut off the younger quarterback. “Yeah, that’s Pete. You take the good with the bad. He’ll treat you right. He got me a ring, and after the way you guys looked tonight, I wouldn’t be surprised if he got you one, too.” Wilson patted Palmer on the shoulder pad and said, “Thanks, man. That’s really generous of you to say. And, hey, you ever need a place to be a backup, I want you to know that you can come over anytime.” An awkward moment passed between the two men, before Palmer shrugged off Wilson’s hand and told the young quarterback, “Hey, you’re a good kid. But don’t say stuff like that. When you’re not hot stuff anymore, when Pete has got some new Carson Palmer, John David Booty, Matt Leinart, Mark Sanchez, or, ahem, Russell Wilson, you’ll understand.”
- Patrick Roy lost for the first time as coach of the Colorado Avalanche, as his team fell 4-2 to the Detroit Red Wings. “Well you win some, you lose some, but this stings,” said Roy after the game, flashing his legendarily fiery Canadian temper. “I’m disappointed,” Roy went on to say, shocking his countrymen with his rage, “but at the end of the day we played a good team, and tomorrow’s another day.” Roy concluded his postgame statement by saying, “I hope our guys use that new day as a chance to up their game a wee bit,” leading Canadian center Matt Duchene to break down in heaving sobs while asking, “Why would he use such vitriol? He must know we’re trying, eh?”
- The Miami Hurricanes narrowly held off North Carolina, 27-23, in ACC play to keep their perfect season alive. Despite the loss, North Carolina tight end Eric Ebron had a phenomenal game, making eight catches for a school-record 199 yards. When asked whether his performance would elevate Ebron’s draft status, an anonymous NFL scout replied, “Well he’s up to four on my chart.” When asked if he meant in the nation, the scout laughed and said, “No, at the school. Have you seen James McAdoo? Isaiah Hicks? Jackson Simmons?” referring to the school’s depth at power forward. “Now those are some NFL-caliber tight ends. Mind you, none of them have ever played football before, but Roy Williams sure has an eye for footballing talent.”
- Nets forward Kevin Garnett responded to statements made by LeBron James about New Jersey by saying, “Tell LeBron to worry about Miami.” “Oh god,” James said, after taking Garnett’s words to heart, “the fiscal situation in this town is a nightmare! Our tax base is shrinking rapidly. And that Marlins stadium threatens to be a millstone around the neck of our ability to fund primary education for decades! Tell Kevin thanks for the heads up.”
- Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan announced he is leaving the Texas Rangers organization and has resigned from his position as CEO. When asked what he plans to do with his free time, Ryan said, “Well I’m getting old, and I have a little time left to really be reminded of the glory days, so I think I’m going to just follow around the White Sox for a while.” When told of Ryan’s decision, White Sox manager Robin Ventura yelled, “Bring it, old man. You got Ventura once, but you come for Ventura again and you’re getting nothing but a heaping helping of pain. I’ve been dreaming of getting my second chance for 20 years, every day chiseling my physique. Where once there was Robin, now there’s only Batman Ventura, and I shall destroy that elderly son of a bitch once and for all.”
- “PETE CARROLL SAW YOU TALKING TO CARSON,” Carroll yelled at Wilson in the locker room after the game. “WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT, PETE CARROLL WANTS TO KNOW!” But before Wilson could answer, Carroll had already run over to his secondary to lead them in a set of CARROLL DIPS, which are just sets of dips during which you yell “PETE CARROLL,” and after every other set you are given a bowl of Dippin’ Dots, the ice cream of the future. “Trust it,” Wilson said to himself, easing his own fears. “There’s a ring coming. You know it.”