In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Blake Griffin scored 18 points as the Clippers tied a team record with their 11th straight win, 93-77, over the Hornets. Team owner Donald Sterling congratulated the team, but still refused to give players and coaches two months of back pay until he “saw how this whole Mayan thing plays out on Friday.”
- Kevin Durant finished with 41 points and 13 boards to lead the Thunder to their 12th straight win, 100-92, against the Hawks. After the game, Russell Westbrook was found scouring the empty stands for unfinished water bottles and asking the janitors where the Hawks kept their hidden store of canned goods.
- In the third crosstown meeting between the Knicks and Nets, Carmelo Anthony’s 31 points spurred the Knicks to a 100-86 win. “THE MAYANS HAVE WILLED IT! GLORY UNTO THEM!” said Anthony, who wore a T-shirt with the likeness of Vucub Caquix, the Mayan bird demon, and is clearly trying to curry favor with the ancient civilization before they invade.
- League sources said that the Jets plan to shop Mark Sanchez and dump Tim Tebow after the season. “Honestly, I’m hoping the Mayans just wipe them both out,” said head coach Rex Ryan. “Even if it means the rest of us have to go.”
- In college basketball, Texas upset no. 23 North Carolina 85-67, but received the news that guard Myck Kabongo will be suspended for the rest of the year by the NCAA. Longhorns coach Rick Barnes said he will be replaced by new transfer guard “Micky O’Kabon,” who has to wear white body paint on every inch of his skin due to a medical condition, and who will be murdered along with everyone else in tomorrow’s Great Mayan Slaughter.
- A year after the two teams engaged in an infamous brawl, no. 11 Cincinnati used 25 points from Sean Kilpatrick to beat Xavier, 60-45. When asked why the Bearcats’ players and coaches were strangely calm, head coach Mick Cronin pointed out that the wrath of the Mayan apocalypse could only improve Cincinnati.
- The Angels traded slugger Kendrys Morales to the Mariners for lefty pitcher Jason Vargas. “Did you guys know that an anagram of Kendrys Morales is ‘R Mayon Skedler’?” asked Angels GM Jerry Dipoto, who has been staying up all night drawing elaborate charts on his office walls for a month. “As in ‘Our Mayan Scheduler’? He’s one of them, guys! He’s a Mayan agent! They could be anywhere! OH, GOD, WHAT IF VARGAS IS ONE, TOO?! I HATE COSMIC IRONY!” After Dipoto left the room, Mike Trout confirmed that he, not Morales, is the Angels’ Mayan scheduler.
- Saints quarterback Drew Brees told reporters that he’s confident Sean Payton will return as the team’s coach next season. Sources report that the Mayans, enraged at his presumption, immediately put a bounty on his head. And by “bounty,” I mean “horrible ancient curse.” And by “sources,” I mean former Saints assistant Mike Cerullo.
- Will Grier, the North Carolina high school quarterback who set a national record with 837 passing yards in one game, has committed to Florida. “OH, THAT SUCKS!” screeched Mayan bird demon Vucub Caquix, who is good friends with Nick Saban. “NICK IS GOING TO TAKE THIS REALLY HARD.”