In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski said he’s taking things day by day after suffering a high ankle sprain, and is no longer wearing his walking boot. “Now I’m wearing a fun-time groovy sock-hop boot,” he said, reading from a script typed out on Bill Belichick’s personal stationery. “Just for kicks, Daddy-O. Dig it: I’m a I’m a hubcap? No, it’s hep cat. I’m a hep cat.”
- Peyton Manning told ESPN that he “feels good” and expects to play next season. In the same interview, he also asked Andrew Luck to stop mailing him copies of Shakespeare’s King Lear and stacks of Metamucil coupons.
- Eagles coach Andy Reid expressed optimism about his team, and will keep Juan Castillo as defensive coordinator. “For his great coffee and comical mule, if nothing else,” Reid explained, confusing Castillo with Juan Valdez, the fictional character used in advertisements for Colombian coffee growers.
- Aaron Rodgers blasted his Pro Bowl teammates for their poor effort in the NFC’s 59-41 loss last Sunday, saying that some of them “embarrassed themselves.” (Note to editor: don’t know what a “Pro Bowl” is. Some kind of celeb golf thing? Please write your own joke here. Make it racy but also dignified. Also, what’s the company status on that helicopter I requested? Nobody will respond to my e-mails — super unprofessional.)
- Carmelo Anthony scored 25 points in his return from a minor ankle injury as the Knicks beat the Pistons 113-86. After the game, Anthony exploded at the team’s medical staff, demanding to know why nobody had fitted him for one of the fun-time groovy sock-hop boots he kept hearing about on TV.
- Brandon Paul’s 18 points led Illinois to a 42-41 upset of no. 10 Michigan State. And while the points were helpful, Paul’s greatest feat was tricking Tom Izzo and the Spartans into not playing the second half.
- Shaq Thompson, one of the top high school football recruits in the country, changed his commitment from the University of California to the University of Washington. When I asked California coach Thaddeus Humburgler McCartonton if it was true that Thompson had been forced out by fellow recruit Kobe Miller because Miller wanted to win a title without sharing the glory, I realized that both of those names were made up and I was talking to a used soda can that someone had left in my driveway.
- HBO Sports president Ken Hershman said that if a Pacquiao-Mayweather fight doesn’t happen by early next year, it will become irrelevant and pass its “sell-by” date. “At that point,” Hershman said, “we’ll turn to some of the other famous boxers in the world.” He then threw down a smoke bomb and fled the room before anyone could ask a follow-up question.
- By Friday, Jerry Sandusky will know the names of every accuser in his upcoming trial. “Regardless of who they are, we’re going to accuse them of being witches, right?” Sandusky asked his lawyer, who was forced to say for the millionth time: “No, dude, what the fuck? Nobody’s accusing anyone of being a witch.”