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About Last Night: Going, Going, Gone

Yoenis Cespedes

In case you were busy getting up close and personal with nature, really getting in there, getting deep, all the way into nature, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

  • Oakland slugger Yoenis Cespedes blasted his way to the Home Run Derby championship, easily outpacing Bryce Harper to take home the title. Cespedes will now be forced to perform his duties as Mr. American Home Run Man for the next 12 months, touring the nation to speak at trade shows, conventions, and store openings about the virtues of hitting home runs. He will get to wear his crown and sash for the duration of his reign, an honor that former winners have called “way worse than just being a professional baseball player” and “a nightmare, you can’t even appear in the ESPN Body Issue lest you tarnish the sash.”
  • Alex Rodriguez hit his first professional home run since September as he continues his rehabilitation with the Double-A Trenton Thunder. “Call me James Harden, cause I’m on the Thunder,” Rodriguez said after the game. When told that Harden was no longer on the Thunder, Rodriguez quickly added, “that’s what I meant.” When asked what that meant, Rodriguez said, “You know. You know. That. Just. I know all about basketball. I have friends who play basketball. I’m Alex Rodriguez. And also James Harden. Shut up.”
  • Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard extended his contract with the Reds through 2015, as the midfielder reaffirmed his commitment to the club where he has played his entire career. “But tell me, has he won the league? No? Pity that,” said former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson upon hearing the news, before quickly adding, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. That was needlessly cruel. Old habits die hard I suppose.”
  • Metta World Peace is headed to New York after signing a two-year deal with the Knicks. “I knew it was my destiny to return to this city,” Artest said of the move. “This is my home. I traveled the world. I lived among the criminals. I lost many assumptions about the simple nature of right and wrong. And I conquered my fear, training with Ra’s al Ghul to become a warrior able to rid this city of the crime and filth that plagues it.” When asked if he was the mysterious Batman who was thwarting criminals across the city, World Peace jumped out a window, landing in the pilot seat of a stealth copter that flew to an undisclosed cavelike location on western Long Island.
  • The Broncos suspended two of their executives, after both were arrested in the past month for drunk driving. This is a news story with more questions than answers. Why would horses drive cars? Especially executive horses? It doesn’t make sense. Horses are majestic creatures, capable of traveling long distances at high speeds. They have no natural need for cars. Why would we want to live in a world where we’re pressuring horses to travel more quickly than they can by hoofing it? Not to mention that they have hooves for hands. How are they going to operate a car? Are there special horse cars? Able to be operated by hooves? Why would human engineers develop this kind of technology? This news story really makes no sense. Also, how are they opening liquor bottles with their hooves? Are they stepping on the bottle, cracking the glass with their horseshoes? How much liquor is wasted in this way? And how much liquor does it take to get a horse’s blood alcohol content above the legal limit? Certainly too much liquor. Also, why does our criminal justice system allow for the prosecution of horses? Do we really believe that horses have the capacity to understand our legal system? That’s insane. Horses have tiny horse brains. They have no sense of reason or rationality. They are wild beasts of burden. Also, what does this story have to do with sports? Were these special dressage horses? It seems unlikely given their status as horsey executives. No no, nothing about this news item makes sense at all. Hold on, let me read past the headline. Oh. Oh. Well, hmmm, yeah, I suppose Broncos can be humans, in a manner of speaking. Who would drive cars. Especially executives, because of their income’s relation to the cost of a car. Also, humans have hands for hands, which they could use both for driving cars and opening liquor bottles. Plus, a normal amount of alcohol would impair a human’s driving ability past what is safe and legal. And as humans, they have human-size brains that allow them to understand laws. They aren’t wild beasts of burden. Finally, they work for a sports team. Well, all the pieces fit together: This news story somehow makes perfect sense.
  • Matt Harvey and Max Scherzer were named starters for the MLB All-Star game, an honor annually given to the second-best pitcher in each league. Filling the roles assigned to the best pitchers from each league, Clayton Kershaw and Felix Hernandez will be given the chance to clean up the starters’ messes. Then two men dressed as Dracula will enter the game and do a quick dance on the mound to prove that, in fact, “This Time It Counts” before a parade of the game’s best middle relievers stewards the ship toward an inevitable Mariano Rivera blown save.