In case you were busy making a new nonalcoholic mixed drink that’s half soda water, half tonic water called the Van de Velde, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- Playing without Luol Deng, Derrick Rose, and Kirk Hinrich was too much for the Bulls, who fell 95-92 to the Brooklyn Nets. Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau regrettably informed his team of their depleted forces before the game, adding, “I didn’t know the games were optional.” He then proceeded to drink straight from a bottle of Gilbey’s gin, tell Taj Gibson that he wanted to sleep with his sister, and unleash a barrage of awkwardly profuse “real talk about love and pain” upon the injured Hinrich. Bulls forward Carlos Boozer then yelled out his signature catchphrase, “Can you smell the booze stank in the room?!” before being told by Bulls assistant coach Adrian Griffin that games are not optional. A visibly intoxicated Boozer fouled out of his team’s defeat in the fourth quarter.
- Even though he had another solid outing, Atlanta starter Kris Medlen fell to 1-4 as his Braves lost to the Washington Nationals, 3-1. Medlen, snacking on biscuits after the game, blamed his spotty start to the season on fatigue based on his home life. “I’ve got young boys, and they’re up at all hours,” he said. “I’ve only been a little off, which just makes me think I could be 5-0 if it weren’t for those Medlen kids!”
- Despite 10 fourth-quarter turnovers, the Golden State Warriors held off the Denver Nuggets, 92-88, to advance to the Western Conference semifinals. Steph Curry had 22 points in the win, which, as I experienced it, also Steph Curry the return of David Lee from injury Steph Curry Steph Curry Steph Curry, Kenneth Faried, Steph Curry. Steph Curry, Steph Curry Andrew Curry Steph Bogut Steph Curry. Steph Curry. Steph Curry. Wait, what? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT????? Oh, naw, it’s cool, Steph Curry.
- Rory McIlroy shares the lead with six other golfers at 5-under after the first round of the Wells Fargo Championship in Charlotte. “It’s good to be back on top, although this isn’t my favorite tournament,” McIlroy said after his round. When asked what his issue was, he responded, “Well, the greens here are just OK. And also bandits. I lost my 3-wood to a bandit. Then I watched him die in front of me after getting shot with a shotgun. I get that they’re going for historical accuracy, but bad greens and bandits? I dunno about that.”
- After a vicious hit from Eric Gryba badly injured Montreal center Lars Eller’s face, the Ottawa Senators came from behind to beat the Canadiens, 4-2. This was a most unfortunate incident, made worse by the Senators defending the action as an homage to the Caning of Sumner in the American Senate. Uh, hello guys! Sumner was protesting the Kansas-Nebraska Act, which was an attempt to perpetuate legal slavery within our borders, when he was beaten by pro-slavery advocates! Shame on the Senate for once again being on the wrong side of history.
- Tyler Flowers hit a late three-run home run off Justin Grimm as the Chicago White Sox beat the Texas Rangers, 3-1, in Arlington. “What a bad pitch,” Grimm said after the game. “I’d say it’s now the worst pitch of my life, beating out that time I told my sister that we should just go inside this giant gingerbread house in the woods and try to eat our way out. Long story, but things worked out better there in the end.”
- Alex Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals sent a message that their late-season surge was for real with a 3-1 win over the New York Rangers to open their playoff campaign. What was less for real was the cross-promotion between the Capitals and the Capitol Steps, the well-known political parody music group. While things started auspiciously as the Steps rhymed Rangers with dangers in reference to the dangers of partisan bickering in the capital, things quickly went downhill when the Steps busted out their classic song “Putin Is Tootin’.” While both organizations are denying that the ensuing scuffle became violent, all future collaborations between the two groups have been canceled, and Ovechkin has four new teeth for his “Magic Drawer of Teeth.”
- The Detroit Tigers got four runs in the 14th inning to top the Houston Astros, 7-3, in a marathon at Minute Maid Park. “We’re a team built for a marathon,” Tigers manager Jim Leyland said after the game. “Well, metaphorically. I smoke two packs a day, so I’m not running anywhere. Prince, well, I don’t want to be mean, but he’s no marathoner. Neither is Miggy. Also, our biggest weakness has been our bullpen. We’re not actually built for a marathon at all. I can’t believe we won.”