In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Scott Rolen’s fielding error allowed Buster Posey to score the winning run as the Giants beat the Reds 2-1 in 10 innings to avoid elimination in the NLDS. Now that’s what I call a “Dust-Buster”! Because he beat Dusty Baker’s team, and his name is Bust hey, screw you, that kind of stuff kills overseas! Kills!
- Brett Anderson pitched six scoreless innings and Coco Crisp robbed a potential Prince Fielder home run to give the A’s a 2-0 win over the Tigers and force a Game 4. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “I KNOW BILLY BEANE LIKES TO SAVE MONEY BUT GETTING AN OUTFIELDER FROM THE CEREAL AISLE OF A SUPERMARKET, NOW THAT’S CRAZY. HEY, GANG, BIG NEWS HERE. REAL BIG NEWS. I AM GOING TO PROPOSE TO MY GIRLFRIEND PATTY TONIGHT. I KNOW SHE IS NOT EXPECTING IT. HER PARENTS DO NOT LIKE ME BECAUSE I AM AN OIL ROBOT AND THEY ARE WIND-POWERED ROBOTS BUT I KNOW OUR LOVE IS MEANT TO BE. I GOT HER A RING MADE OF HALF WIND AND HALF OIL TO SYMBOLIZE OUR UNION.”
- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell reinstated bounty-related suspensions for four Saints players, including Jonathan Vilma and Will Smith, after all suspensions were vacated by an appeals panel last month. Oh man, that appeals panel is gonna be straight pissed, y’all! Shit’s about to get good! [Grabs popcorn. Spits out popcorn.] Jesus, how old is this popcorn?
- Jerry Sandusky was sentenced to a minimum of 30 years in prison on child sex abuse charges by a Pennsylvania judge. Oh man, Sandusky is gonna be straight furious, y’all! [Grabs popcorn. Spits popcorn out.] Son of a bitch, it’s got mold all over it.
- Yankees manager Joe Girardi said he hasn’t made a decision on whether or not struggling third baseman Alex Rodriguez will be moved down in the lineup when the ALDS resumes tonight. He did confirm that if a move were made, he’d pitch it to A-Rod as moving up four spots in the order until he passed the lead-off spot, was transferred to the bottom in a sort of cyclical fashion — as though the lineup were a circular entity with arbitrary numbers rather than a straight line with finite end points — and settled in the eighth spot. Girardi went on to say that if A-Rod doesn’t understand, he’ll just punch him in the mouth, because he’s wanted to do that for a while.
- Texans linebacker and leading tackler Brian Cushing is out for the year with a torn ACL suffered in Monday night’s win against the Jets. “Oh, awesome,” said second-leading tackler Lavadius Thornton. “Yes. Yesssssss!” He then looked to the hospital bed. “Sorry, Brian, should have waited until our visit was over. Bad form right there. Real bad form.”
- Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III has been cleared to practice after suffering a concussion last weekend. The only downside is that he was cleared by Dr. Ebenezer Chuckles, a man who exists only in Griffin’s imagination and was born as a fully formed adult the minute Griffin was hit in the head last Sunday.
- Landon Donovan has been ruled out of a pair of World Cup qualifying matches for the U.S. national team due to an injured left knee. Unfortunately, Donovan’s absence will not help the perception among a majority of Americans that he’s a “weird little jockey.”
- Jets coach Rex Ryan confirmed that struggling quarterback Mark Sanchez will remain the team’s starter for at least another week. Oh man, Tebow is gonna be straight incensed, y’all! [Vomits from eating mold earlier.]