In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- The no. 12 Florida Gators were pushed to overtime, but 25 points and 10 rebounds from Patric Young were enough to lift them over Arizona 78-72. “In my whole tenure being here I haven’t really done too much offensively in the post to make teams come in and try to keep me out of my game,” Young said. “Tonight I established that and I’m really thankful.” In related news, Young learned to speak English from Nigerian spam emails.
- The no. 5 Duke Blue Devils used 17 points from freshman Austin Rivers to rout the Colorado State Rams 87-64. After the victory, as he spoke to reporters, Rivers couldn’t stop himself from grimacing for joy.
- Dayton closed the game with a 17-9 run to upset no. 15 Alabama 74-62. Current Crimson Tide head coach Anthony Grant was a star for the Flyers in college, and, Dayton fans reported that last night was just like old times.
- A celebration penalty on a player celebrating his 18th birthday cost a Massachusetts high school football team the state championship. Hey, kid, happy 18th! Life is really terrible!
- The Marlins have rescinded their offer to Albert Pujols, but have signed pitcher Mark Buehrle to a four-year, $58 million deal. “I know you’re a pitcher,” said Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen, “but after this whole thing with Pujols fell through, we really need you to hit some runs. Not many. Maybe like 30.”
- Manchester United and Manchester City were both eliminated from Champions League play at the conclusion of yesterday’s group stages. Both teams will now head back to work in the Manchester iron foundries, where they’ll die from accident or disease within the calendar year.
- After June Jones accepted the head coaching position at Arizona State, the school pulled the offer before it could be finalized. Spokesmen for ASU immediately tried to defuse the situation by claiming that Jones had simply suffered from a desert mirage, and there had been no offer in the first place.
- Archie Manning has reversed course since Tuesday, saying that Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck could indeed play on the same team. “As long as Andrew Luck plays tight end,” he clarified.