Grantland logo

About Last Night: Fear the Quack

Saku KoivuIn case you were busy deciding which of your biceps should be nicknamed Air Force One in honor of Presidents Day, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • The Anaheim Ducks won their fifth game in a row, holding off the Columbus Blue Jackets, 3-2, at home. Anaheim coach Bruce Boudreau was pleased with the win, saying, “I didn’t used to enjoy playing against Columbus because I thought they were named for some sort of Ohio-based mutant wasp species. I don’t much care for wasps at all.” Boudreau went on to say, “But when I found out their name is a reference to the American Civil War, well, as a Canadian, that doesn’t affect me nearly as much as wasps. I really don’t care for wasps at all. If someone wanted to make a scary team name, they should go with the Wasps.”
  • The Philadelphia Flyers and Claude Giroux continued their dominance over the New York Islanders with a 7-0 win in New York. Philadelphia superfan Christopher “Stuffy” McIntyre took the win in stride, choosing to celebrate quietly at home with his two pet terriers, Eric Lindros and Bobby Clarke, who wrestled all night over a stuffed penguin named “Mario Pee-eww,” instead of going out with his superfan brethren, who decided that a 7-0 win meant that they should probably celebrate “Philadelphia style.”
  • Bob Huggins’s return to Manhattan did not go as planned, as his West Virginia Mountaineers lost to the Kansas State Wildcats, 71-61, in a matchup of Big 12 foes. Then again, little goes according to plan for Huggins now that he’s returned to his alma mater in West Virginia, where the state motto is “Mountaineers Always Free,” which legally prevents Huggins from making practices mandatory. Recent court rulings have also established that the motto prevents the state from instituting any mining regulations or permitting restrictions related to the domestication of livestock.
  • In a battle of ranked Big East teams, Notre Dame, after being held to only three points in the first 13:54 of their game at Pittsburgh, stormed back to top the Panthers, 51-42. Irish head coach Mike Brey explained his team’s slow start, saying, “We were taking in the city of Pittsburgh as a team and were heading over to the Riverwalk, when a car full of what appeared to be Flyers fans drove up to us, and just started peeing everywhere. It was horrifying. They kept yelling, ‘Woo, we’re celebrating Philadelphia style,’ but it seemed it as if they were just looking for an excuse to run around peeing all over the city of Pittsburgh. Once we shook that off, though, I thought we played a great game of basketball.”
  • Brittney Griner scored her 3,000th point as the top-ranked Lady Bears of Baylor took down fellow title contender Connecticut, 76-70. Griner was pleased with the win, saying, “I didn’t used to like going up against Connecticut because I thought the team would be full of WASPs. I didn’t much care for WASPs at all.” Griner went on to say, “But then I found out that Connecticut is a diverse state that draws people of all backgrounds to its basketball program. Also, I’ve gotten the chance to meet some WASPs and found them to be pretty much like everyone else. Before, I really didn’t care for WASPs at all, though. If someone wanted to make a scary team name for me back in the day, they should’ve gone with the Lady WASPs.”
  • Sad news on the NBA front as longtime Lakers owner Jerry Buss died at the age of 80 early Monday morning. He’ll leave behind a legacy as an owner well-respected by peers, fans, and players alike. He’ll also leave behind a legacy as the greatest actor ever to play the Joker in a Batman film.
  • Manchester United topped Reading, 2-1, to advance to the quarterfinals of the FA Cup, where Sir Alex Ferguson’s United squad will face either defending champion Chelsea or Middlesbrough at Old Trafford. When asked about whom he would prefer to face in the quarterfinals, Ferguson arched an eyebrow and said nothing. “I’m not going to fall for his head games,” said Chelsea manager Rafa Benitez. “That means he doesn’t want to face us, right? It has to. Unless it doesn’t. And he senses we’re weak. But we aren’t weak. We just won, 4-0! Unless we are weak. We are, aren’t we? Which would mean I’m weak. Am I weak? I am, aren’t I?” The former Liverpool manager then quietly closed his office door, turned off the lights, and began to sob softly.
  • Former USC quarterback Matt Barkley will not throw at the NFL combine as he continues to recover from a shoulder injury suffered late last season. “I expect my work from two years ago to speak to what I can do on the field,” Barkley said. “So there’s no need for me to work out, or for anyone to look at any other game tape. Or for anyone to look at the recent track record of people coming out of the USC program. And certainly don’t talk to Coach Kiffin, because, man, that guy’s kind of a douche.”
  • The NCAA investigation into wrongdoing by the University of Miami’s athletic department has itself become ensconced in scandal, as NCAA president Mark Emmert was forced to let go of his Vice President of Enforcement for improper evidence gathering. “My mom was like, give your cousin Silvio a case,” Emmert explained at a press conference on Monday, “and I was like, ‘Ma, you know Silvio’s not so bright.’ But she reminded me that running an enforcement operation is all about respect and family. So I gave him the Miami case. Because there’s no way anyone could mess that up. How do you mess up nailing Miami on a case involving strippers! But, no. He finds a way. So now the whole damn thing is caving in on my head. This enforcement racket — it’s not all glamour, let me tell you. There’s no room for sentimentality in this business. You lose face around here, and you’re done. So to answer your other question, no, I do not know where Silvio Emmert is. But I’d imagine, given his recent time in Miami, he could be found resting with Giancarlo Stanton and friends, if you know what I mean.”