In case you were busy fumbling your way to victory in Iowa, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- Your newest NFL juggernaut is the Cleveland Browns, who have now won three straight after defeating the Buffalo Bills, 37-24, behind the play of reserve quarterback Brandon Weeden. “No! What happened to Brian Hoyer?” yelled world’s saddest man Gary Pittson as he checked his fantasy team at 2 a.m. while finishing up an unpaid overtime shift of data entry at Telecommunications Systems Inc. Pittson then scanned the waiver wire looking for Weeden and moaned, “Poor Hoyer, he was all I had left in this world well, him, this job, and the hope of finding Brandon Weeden. Where is he? He has to be here!” Unfortunately for Pittson, longtime rival and world-class bassist Teddy Jackson’s wife Sandra Carmone had already picked Weeden up because she thought he had a funny name. Also, he had been noticed by floor supervisor Whit Rickenbauer, who added a demerit for unauthorized Internet use to Pittson’s permanent file with the company, putting his employment status in serious jeopardy.
- Despite having less than his best command, Clayton Kershaw allowed only three hits, collected 12 strikeouts, and secured his first postseason win as the Los Angeles Dodgers easily defeated the Atlanta Braves, 6-1, to take the first game of their National League Division Series. Despite the loss, the Braves have to consider themselves lucky. Had Kershaw had his best stuff, he would have likely allowed no hits while getting two himself, collected 29 strikeouts, and secured three wins in the game, instantly eliminating Atlanta from the postseason, and advancing his Dodgers directly to the World Series where they would have played themselves reflected in a giant mirror.
- Pirates starter A.J. Burnett was ineffective and Carlos Beltran made him pay as the St. Louis Cardinals handed Pittsburgh a 9-1 defeat to open up a 1-0 lead in their NL Division Series. Pittsburgh superfan Willie Langdon was shell-shocked after the loss, saying, “I just can’t believe it. First, Burnett was cruising and then totally lost it. Shocking. And then Beltran hits a big postseason home run? I’m blown away. It doesn’t make any sense to me.” When asked what the last postseason game he watched was, Langdon mumbled, “Sid Bream, I don’t want to talk about it.”
- Led by a dominant showing from Tiger Woods and Matt Kuchar, America holds a one-point lead over its international opponents after Day 1 of the Presidents Cup. The big news of the day, however, was a tiny squirrel that American assistant captain Davis Love III found. Woods was hardly amused by the sideshow, saying, “Best golfers in the world get overshadowed by a squirrel? That’s nuts — no, no, I didn’t mean to — don’t quote me on that. Damn it.”
- Kobe Bryant is reportedly receiving a platelet-rich plasma treatment on his right knee in Germany, as he simultaneously continues to rehabilitate a major Achilles injury in preparation for the upcoming NBA season. “A Lakers fan? Nah, man,” said Los Angeles native Chad Whoriskey when asked about his team’s chances in the upcoming season. “Always been a Clips fan. Doc Rivers, baby. Catch the fever. Also, don’t look in my trash can. I, um, got pranked.” A quick glance at Whoriskey’s garbage, however, revealed a purple-and-white no. 12 on a gold background, barely poking out from among the rubbish.
- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers released beleaguered quarterback Josh Freeman, as their season falls further into disarray. When asked their reaction to the move, both Freeman and Bucs head coach Greg Schiano said, “Good, this is great news for me. Finally I’m free of that guy and can go on to succeed in this league.” When told that they both had said the same thing, Freeman and Schiano both responded by saying, “No way. That asshole is nothing like me. We have nothing in common. There’s no way we’d say the same thing about this, as it’s great for me and terrible for him.” When told that they again said the same thing, both men screamed in disgust and yelled, “Well there’s no way he’d say this league is about respect, because the guy doesn’t have any and he’s saying this right now, isn’t he? And this too. Damn it. I bet he’s going to fall silent and hang his head now.” Both men then fell silent and hung their heads.
- No. 12 UCLA’s defense forced six turnovers as the Bruins held off a spirited upset bid from Utah and maintained their perfect start to the season with a 34-27 win in their Pac-12 opener. “A USC fan? Nah, man,” said Los Angeles native Chad Whoriskey when asked about the recent firing of Lane Kiffin. “Always been a Bruins fan. Brett Hundley, baby. Catch the fever. Also, don’t look in my trash can. I, um, got pranked.” A quick glance at Whoriskey’s garbage, however, revealed that the purple-and-white no. 12 was surrounded by glamour shots of Kiffin posing in cardinal and gold. A dejected Whoriskey then added, “Well, I guess to be fair, those pictures were never a good idea.”