In case you were busy getting a fragment of moose antler removed from your foot seriously here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:
- Josh McCown threw for four touchdowns and ran for a fifth as the Chicago Bears continued their dominant offensive form, scything through the Dallas defense en route to a 45-28 win over the Cowboys. “Oh, this is about to get good,” Cowboys owner and general manager Jerry Jones said after the game as he held his hands in the air. “Now if someone will just please put my firing gloves on my hands, I will head on down to Garrett’s office and get to work.” Unfortunately for Jones, he had already fired his glove guy, along with the guy who tells him when he’s already fired his glove guy so he doesn’t awkwardly wait around for the glove guy to put gloves on his hands when there’s no glove guy coming. So Jones did wait around, awkwardly waiting for a nonexistent glove guy to come and put gloves on his hands. This gave Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett just enough time to slip onto the team bus, preserving his job for at least another day.
- Evgeni Malkin scored in his return to the ice as the Pittsburgh Penguins took down the Columbus Blue Jackets 2-1. “This is the worst thing to happen in Columbus sports in recent memory,” said Blue Jackets winger Matt Calvert. “Our hometown is devastated and it’s completely our fault.” When told he should maybe go easy on himself and that other things may have happened to sour the city’s mood, Calvert rended his garments and wailed, “No! Ours is a city emotionally tuned in to Blue Jackets hockey right now, and nothing else is dictating the palpable sense of disappointment that is hanging over the sports fans of the city like a poisonous mist. It’s just Blue Jackets hockey. Nothing else!”
- Washington head coach Mike Shanahan is mulling benching Robert Griffin III for the remainder of the season as his star quarterback has struggled through injuries and inconsistent play. Although this may seem like a strange time for Shanahan to make this move given his perceived lack of job security and his willingness to play Griffin through injury in the past, Shanahan explained, “What do you guys mean? Griffin is badly hurt. And as he’s just a rookie, we wouldn’t want to jeopardize his promising career. Also, how ’bout that recent election of Barack Obama. That was something else, huh? What a year we’ve been having. I’m glad I didn’t quit last year when I considered it.” When asked what year he thought it was, Shanahan furrowed his brow and replied, “2012, obviously.” And just like that, Shanahan’s tenure became perfectly understandable: He has been reacting on a one-year delay. This benching is actually perfectly timed. This also explains his aloof demeanor, his proclivity for bumping into walls, his play calling, and his taking of the job in Washington in the first place.
- The Portland Trail Blazers are off to their best start since 1990, as they improved to 18-4 with a 105-94 win against the Utah Jazz. And while this Blazers team is undeniably awesome, let’s all just take this moment to remember that awesome 1990 Blazers team: Clyde Drexler, Cliff Robinson, Danny Ainge, Drazen Petrovic, Terry Porter, Jerome Kersey, Kevin Duckworth, Buck Williams. Oh, it’s so awesome! It’s too awesome! How was Drazen Petrovic there? Too much awesome! Must move on from the awesome!
- From too much awesome to absolutely no awesome, Nets head coach Jason Kidd reportedly used a 13-letter word in a rant directed at exiled assistant coach Lawrence Frank, saying, “I’m the coach of this [13-letter word] team.” What was that word? My best guess: disappointing.
- Starting pitchers Mark Prior and Roy Halladay retired from baseball Monday, ending one of the most tortured careers of a generation and one of the most illustrious careers on the same day. “Was my career a disappointment?” Prior asked rhetorically upon announcing his retirement. “Well I was the greatest pitching prospect of a generation, and I retire as the Goofus to Roy Halladay’s Gallant.” Prior then looked out over an awkwardly silent press corps and added, “Oh, did you want me to say I was lucky to make the big leagues at all and earn a living playing the game I love no matter how tough it was? Is that what you wanted me to say? Well, I guess I fucked up then, because that’s bullshit, and I’m fucking Goofus. Fuck y’all.”
- In a battle of mid-table Premier League teams, Swansea came from behind to salvage a 1-1 draw against Hull City. Interestingly, the match mirrored the ancient Welsh fable of the beautiful swan, who spent the first half of its life coasting on its attractive play before realizing it was down a big goal to an uglier yet more tenacious feline rival. The swan knew it would have to make up that goal before it died and went to the great postmatch press conference in the sky with nothing positive to say about itself. So it willed itself with its beauty to achieve that goal. And as in the fable, that goal was scored by Spanish center back Chico Flores.