In case you were busy living on easy street wait — OH, I FORGOT ABOUT MY TAXES — here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
- The Boston Red Sox rode a seven-run second inning to cruise to a 7-2 win over the host Cleveland Indians. Red Sox starter Felix Doubront, who got the win after throwing five solid innings, said, “With everything that happened yesterday, I was just out there pitching for the name on the front of the jersey today, not on the back. Which really helped, because even I have trouble pronouncing my last name. It’s Doo-Braunt, by the way I think. I’m pretty sure. Like 99 percent. Don’t hold me to that until I call my ma, though.”
- Veteran starter Dan Haren gave up seven runs in 4⅓ innings as the Washington Nationals fell to the Miami Marlins, 8-2. After the game, a shell-shocked Haren said, “I gave up a home run today to Adeiny Hechavarria. I got shelled by the Miami Marlins. Sometimes it’s hard to know when it’s over. This is not one of those times.” He then announced the immediate opening of Haren Buick, Haren Chevrolet, and Haren Kia/Hyundai, which he hoped would become the Southern California destination for peoples’ Buick, Chevrolet, Kia, and Hyundai needs.
- Alex Ovechkin scored his 28th goal as the Washington Capitals blew out the Toronto Maple Leafs, 5-1, for their eighth straight win. “Hopefully, now I have America’s attention,” said Ovechkin. “It’s not every day they get to see the Hashim Amla of hockey at his best,” he added, in reference to the South African cricketer. “I mean, I’m basically Dan Carter over here,” he said, referencing the All Blacks rugby star. “If that’s not enough to get people back on the Ovi train, well, as the popular idiom goes, I might as well be throwing peas at a brick wall.”
- Despite bitter cold weather in Denver, Colorado swept the New York Mets in a doubleheader, 8-4 and 9-8. The Rockies are off to a hot start behind the play of veteran outfielder Michael “The Magician” Cuddyer, who earned his nickname for his abilities as a close-up magician. When asked during batting practice between the two games if he might be bringing a little magic to his team’s efforts this year, Cuddyer said, “No. Magic isn’t real,” before disappearing in a cloud of smoke and reappearing in the Rockpile bleachers beyond the center field wall. He then appeared to say, “Or is it?” but that could not be confirmed, as he was too far away to be heard, and by the time he ran back to the dugout, interest in his magic trick had been lost.
- The Portland Trail Blazers lost their 12th straight game in a listless 93-77 defeat at the hands of the Los Angeles Clippers. NBA commissioner David Stern condemned the streak, saying, “This is an egregious example of late season tanking for draft position, and I won’t abide it,” before looking at the standings, where the Blazers had only dropped two spots despite the streak. Stern then rubbed his eyes and added, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it was possible to start Meyers Leonard and have any intention of winning. That’s my bad.”
- Mariano Rivera secured his third save in three chances as the New York Yankees beat the Arizona Diamondbacks, 4-2. Rivera, who looks to have successfully recovered from a torn ACL last season, said after the game, “The season has actually been going pretty well, all things considered. I just wish I didn’t have to keep luring [Yankees general manager Brian] Cashman out of that tree he’s been hiding in after losses. I’m not sure what’s wrong with him, but apparently he doesn’t trust anybody else, so night after damn night, I’m outside of his house, talking him down. I hope he gets help soon. Or at least Derek comes back, and can take some of the load off me.”
- The Atlanta Braves mashed five home runs, running their winning streak to 10 with a 6-3 win over the Kansas City Royals. This, despite Kansas City general manager and former Braves assistant Dayton Moore’s pleas to his former franchise to “be nice” and “not make a fool out of me. I’m still trying to make a name for myself in a new town, and if you guys come in here and shell me, I’m going to be so embarrassed. Remember when I took Francoeur off your hands? Come on, be a pal!”
- Reports out of Portland suggest that major NCAA violations occurred in the Oregon Ducks football program over the past three seasons, and that the university should anticipate scholarship losses and potential postseason bans. When told of the news, current Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said, “I didn’t do it!” When told that, in fact, yes, he didn’t do it, and that people were only interested in his take on the matter, Carroll calmly responded, “WOOOOOOOO PETE CARROLL! PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL! COMPETE, BABY! I LOVE MY NEW JOB SO MUCH. THEY JUST LET ME CUT GUYS! NO ONE CARES! I CAN RECRUIT ALL I WANT! HAHAHA! PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL PETE CARROLL!”
- Tracy McGrady has signed as a free agent with the San Antonio Spurs to fill out their roster in advance of the upcoming NBA playoffs. When asked how he planned to use the former All-Star, who hasn’t played in the NBA since the 2011-12 season, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich said, “One word, four letters: rest. We’re headed into the playoffs now, and resting guys isn’t just a game; it’s everything. I mean, can I really count on being able to rest Tim Duncan three nights in a row, when we have to think about actually winning basketball games? Absolutely not. So what do I do when I need to rest an All-Star? Boom, Tracy McGrady.” When asked what specifically drew him to McGrady, Popovich was candid. “Was he my first choice? No. First I talked to Larry Bird about jumping in to get his rest on, and he told me to ‘suck on a pudding pack,’ before saying some other uncouth things about my lineage. While unpleasant, it made me realize I can’t go with a competitive guy. I can’t go with an all-timer. So I call AI, and he wants to tell me how sharp his game is. No good. Then I have Presti call Cubes and try to swing something for VC. But it’s too late. He can’t qualify for the roster, which on the one hand would be the ultimate form of rest, but on the other, doesn’t give me a DNP-CD (Rest) in the box score. So McGrady wasn’t just a natural fit, he was the only fit.”