In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Alex Rodriguez suffered a broken hand after being hit by Seattle’s Felix Hernandez, and is expected to miss six to eight weeks. Hernandez pitched 7.1 solid innings, working out of several jams as the Mariners held on to beat the Yankees 4-2. After the game, Yankees GM Brian Cashman found Ichiro Suzuki in the locker room. “Hey, just for my peace of mind, you’re not practicing some weird Japanese sorcery I don’t know about, right?” Cashman asked. Ichiro stared at him thoughtfully for a moment, then said, “I’m not not practicing Japanese sorcery.” Cashman sighed in relief. “Okay, great. Thanks. Whew.”
- Sources are reporting that the Marlins traded Hanley Ramirez to the Dodgers in a four-player deal. When asked who he wanted in return, Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen said, “just somebody nice,” and began to cry.
- Gio Gonzalez pitched seven innings of two-hit ball, striking out four and handing R.A. Dickey his first loss since April as the Nats beat the Mets 5-2. “Fury and HORNS pitch of plate rotten corner damage and more says to zone or IDIOT all umpire eyes!” yelled Dickey, moving in spasms and succumbing to a phenomenon psychologists have taken to calling “KnuckleRage.” (KnuckleRage is a dangerous combination of the more well-known phenomena KnuckleSpeak and Normal Rage.)
- The streaking Oakland A’s used Yoenis Cespedes’s three-run single to win their sixth straight, a 7-2 victory over the Blue Jays. It looks like Billy Beane’s Moneyball is working for the first time in a decade, while the Blue Jays’ patented “Funny Ball” continues to produce mixed results. Neither of them, however, is working quite as well as the Detroit Tigers’ frightening variant, “Gunny Ball.”
- Zack Greinke pitched seven strong innings and hit a home run off Cliff Lee, but his bullpen imploded for the second straight game as the Phillies scored six runs in the eighth to beat the Brewers 7-6. “Man, we’re so sorry, Zack,” said a representative of the Brewers bullpen, while the others stood behind and stared at their feet. “We bought you a whole shitload of Franzia to say sorry, but I’m sorry to say we drank it all on the way over. Listen, can we borrow five grand? There’s this dude named Chipmunk selling an old boat, we think we can fix it up and get out on the lake before the summer’s over. Imagine that, dude! A boat, some cheap blow, and a few real down-and-out ladies. Some weird shit can happen, you know? Lake Michigan is a big empty place, my man.”
- Pitcher Cole Hamels avoided free agency by signing a six-year deal with the Phillies worth over $140 million, sources report. “I’m real happy right now,” said Hamels. “I’ve heard of a lot of good men going down because of free agency.” After initial confusion, experts are pretty sure that he was confusing free agency with the draft, and confusing the baseball draft with the Vietnam War draft.
- In an interview with ESPN, NCAA president Mark Emmert said he hoped the Penn State ruling sent a message to other schools that a win-at-all-costs mindset won’t be tolerated. In Oklahoma, Bob Stoops read the story, looked at the vicious half-starved dogs he had trained to instill terror and aggression in his defense while weeding out the weaklings during the preseason manhunt, and then shut off his computer, muttered “damn liberals,” and retrieved his favorite whip.
- The Spanish national basketball team got off to a rocky start in London, losing 100-78 to the United States in the final exhibition game before the Olympics begin. NBA stars Pau Gasol and Serge Ibaka scored 19 and 16 points, respectively, but the two-time silver medalists failed to mount an effective second-half defense as their opponents ran away with the match. Though head coach Sergio Scariolo insists that the Spanish have gold medal potential, the absence of Ricky Rubio (as well as injuries to Rudy Fernandez, Marc Gasol, and Juan Carlos Navarro) seem to have hindered the famous athleticism and speed of La Roja. Before the game, Navarro was honored for making his 200th start with the team, and fans stopped calling him “la vaca vieja” long enough to applaud.
- NASCAR suspended driver A.J. Allmendinger indefinitely after he tested positive for a banned substance that was described as a “stimulant.” The drug in question was probably either methamphetamine or ecstasy, and police officials think they might have found a clue after raiding Allmendinger’s home and finding a closet full of used glow-sticks.