In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- The Rams defense contained Kevin Kolb (28/50, 289 yards) and Ryan Williams (14 carries, 33 yards) en route to handing the Cardinals their first loss of the season, 17-3. Among those in attendance at the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis were actor Philip Seymour Hoffman, Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder, and President Barack Obama. Nah, I’m kidding, none of those people would ever go to that game. Grow up, St. Louis. You’re pathetic.
- The Red Sox fired manager Bobby Valentine, and their wish list for his replacement includes current Blue Jays manager John Farrell and Texas pitching coach Mike Maddux, among others. “Mayhaps you would fancy me for the job!” said dark horse British candidate Robbie Ballantine, twirling his mustache and doffing his trilby.
- Matt Barkley threw for 303 yards and three touchdowns as the no. 13 USC Trojans overcame a two-touchdown deficit to beat Utah 38-28. After the game, USC officials were able to get Lane Kiffin to bed without much fuss, though he did throw a spoon at Barkley after his meal.
- Dwight Howard advised Shaquille O’Neal to “move on” after Shaq called Brook Lopez and Andrew Bynum better NBA centers than Howard. To be fair, Howard’s quote may have been related to the fact that Shaq turned up at his home at 3 a.m. to deliver the verdict.
- Aaron and Andrew Harrison, the Texas twins who are the top-rated guards in their senior class, committed to John Calipari and Kentucky over Maryland. “Maryland isn’t a Nike school, and they were going to make us wear stirrups,” said Aaron Harrison. “Seriously,” added Andrew Harrison, “stirrups. Like, extending down from the side of the shorts and going into the shoes and underneath our feet. Does that make sense to anyone?” Aaron Harrison nodded. “What we’re wondering is, what’s the point?” he asked. “Is it comfortable? No. Does it look cool? No. Does it provide any structural advantage? Not even a little. They’re stirrups. We just don’t get it.” “And we really liked Maryland,” Andrew Harrison continued. “Good school, good people, good coach. But those stirrups just became a deal-breaker, because we couldn’t even begin to understand the reasoning there. And when you ask, everyone at Maryland is just sort of like, ‘well, that’s just how it is here.'” Aaron Harrison agreed. “And we did ask, believe us. ‘Is there any way around this stirrup issue?’ But it was like, nobody would give us a straight answer. Even after we were like, ‘listen, we will probably come to Maryland if we don’t have to wear stirrups on our shorts.’ Everyone just kind of looked away and mumbled.” Andrew Harrison shook his head. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Stirrups.”
- Despite his recent struggles, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez told reporters that he is comfortable in his starting role, and doesn’t feel threatened by Tim Tebow. In a press conference in heaven, Jesus made similar remarks.
- UFC middleweight champ Anderson Silva says a fight with light heavyweight champ Jon Jones will not happen. “Trust me,” said Floyd Mayweather Jr., who called Silva unsolicited, “find a way to get to jail. What you’ll discover is that the dodge game is not just a game, but a lifestyle. I’ve hidden in more garbage cans than I can count. I’ve worn dresses to church. I once egged my own mother’s house just to make people think. You name it, I’ve done it.”
- Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling may be forced to sell his “bloody sock” from the 2004 World Series in order to raise collateral for loans related to his failed video game company. And if it comes down to it, Schilling admitted that he may have to sell the bottle of Heinz 57 he used to put the “blood” there in the first place.
- Royce White and the Houston Rockets are currently working on an “innovative” travel plan that will allow White to feel comfortable despite his fear of flying. “Check it out,” said the Rockets, revealing a plane they painted like a school bus. “I think you’re missing the point,” said White. “What about this?” asked the Rockets, revealing a plane without wings that just sort of rolls along the highway. “Uhhhh, I guess?” said White.