In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Kobe Bryant scored 48 points on 31 shots as the Lakers beat the Suns 99-83. “If I play bad or have one bad game like I did in Denver, everybody cries for a change or cries for the fact that I’m too old,” Bryant said after the game. Reporters gently pointed out that the “bad game” against Denver had come in 1999, at which point Bryant looked frightened and repeatedly asked for Shaq.
- Brandon Paul tallied 43 points, including the last 15 of the game, as Illinois pulled off a massive upset with a 79-74 win over no. 5 Ohio State. Brandon Paul and Chris Paul are not related, a fact that surprised GOP candidate Rick Santorum.
- With their undefeated record in danger, no. 4 Baylor Bears survived a scare at no. 18 Kansas State, winning 75-73. Despite the loss, Wildcat coach Frank Martin was so proud of the team’s efforts that his postgame belting frenzy was less violent than usual.
- The Jacksonville Jaguars hired Mike Mularkey as their new head coach. He’ll be joined by offensive coordinator Vernon Hogwash, special teams coach Antonio Poppycock, and video specialist Reginald Utter Shite.
- Tim Tebow said that he can learn from Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Specifically, he said, he can learn how to lead a heretic’s lifestyle that will earn him a swift kick down to hell on Judgment Day. The ladies at his bridge club responded with tight smiles and emphatic nods.
- Brian Schottenheimer, who also interviewed for the Jacksonville job, resigned as offensive coordinator of the New York Jets and will be replaced by former Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano. Sources indicate that though Schottenheimer claims it was his choice, Rex Ryan forced him out after a disappointing season. “We mean that literally,” said the sources. “Ryan sort of used his stomach to body him out of the office and down the highway until Schottenheimer was in Delaware.”
- After only a year at the helm, Raiders head coach Hue Jackson has been fired. In related news, the name of the Oakland Raiders’ head coach this past season was “Hue Jackson.”
- In a series of tweets sent yesterday, Floyd Mayweather Jr. called out Manny Pacquaio, challenging him to a May 5 fight. Pacquiao’s camp had already agreed in principle to a June 9 fight, but Mayweather’s delayed jail sentence for domestic violence is scheduled to begin June 1. “Okay, fine, June 9,” said Mayweather. “I’ll be on Highway 74, mile 126, wearing mostly orange. Will this be pure boxing, or can we use garbage pickers?”
- After 17 years as an assistant coach, Jay Paterno has decided to leave Penn State. He and Abe Sandusky, Jerry’s son, were hoping to maybe start up a small football team of their own. You know, somewhere out west, if Joe could just loan them a little bit of starter money. They’d pay him back. Probably double.