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About Last Night: Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina

Kevin DurantIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • Kevin Durant scored 17 of his 28 points in the third quarter as the U.S. dominated Argentina 126-97. Following the win, an extremely condescending Kobe Bryant autographed a basketball for Manu Ginobili and patted him on the head.
  • Alex Morgan’s header in the 123rd minute gave the U.S. women’s soccer team a dramatic 4-3 win in the Olympic semifinals and a berth in the gold medal match against Japan. I’m trying to remember which country the Americans beat, but every time I get close to a name, I start getting really, really bored.
  • The New York Jets broke out into a massive, 20-person brawl at training camp after running back Joe McKnight threw a punch at rookie safety D’Anton Lynn following a hard hit. “Oh my God!” shouted Tim Tebow, across the field, “I’m finally doing it! I’ve finally harnessed the power of the holy spirit and made myself levitate! Guys, look! Wait, what’s … OH, COME ON. NO. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A FIGHT NOW? GUYS, I’M SERIOUSLY LEVIT- nope, there it goes. Back on the ground. I lost it. I was levitating and now it’s gone forever. Great. Thanks a lot. Nobody even saw it, did they?”
  • The Seattle Seahawks agreed to a one-year, $925,000 deal with wide receiver Terrell Owens. “We didn’t think he’d have that kind of money when we made the offer,” said Seahaws GM John Schneider. “But he did, so sure, he can hang out for a year. We’ll probably ask for more if he wants to come back in 2013, though. We’ve heard he’s kind of a pain in the ass.”
  • Four Penn State trustees appealed the NCAA sanctions against the school in the wake of the Sandusky scandal, a move that will likely be a prelude to a federal lawsuit. “We think that since it’s an election year, judges and politicians will definitely want to appear sympathetic to Penn State,” said one trustee. In an unrelated story, the trustee has already booked nonrefundable hotel rooms for himself and his entire extended family for Penn State’s BCS national title game appearance this coming January.
  • Justin Verlander struck out 14 over eight dominant innings as the Tigers beat the Yankees 7-2. After the game, A-Rod showed no shame about asking reporters if they missed his strikeouts and if his were the most beautiful.
  • Expelled U.S. Judo team member Nick Delpopolo said his positive test for cannabis came as a result of inadvertently eating food baked with marijuana. Food expert Rex Ryan told reporters that the food item was likely a brownie, and began to tear up as he described all the good brownies he’s seen ruined by the addition of “that awful bitter plant.”
  • Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine received a vote of confidence from team brass Monday, and Dustin Pedroia hit three doubles to lead the Sox to a 9-2 win over the Rangers. “I’m a company man, and I just wanted to see what the big bosses had to say,” said Pedroia, who admitted that he planned to steal all of Valentine’s clothes if they expressed disappointment in the manager.
  • Shannon Eastin will become the first woman to referee an NFL game when she takes the field this Thursday for a preseason meeting between the Packers and Chargers. Veteran officials have already warned Eastin that Norv Turner will probably stare at her dumbfounded for minutes at a time, and that it will have nothing to do with her gender.