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About Last Night: Dodgers Wear the Crown

Los Angeles Dodgers

In case you were out accidentally revealing that you named a loved one Cosmo, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:

  • The Dodgers clinched the NL West title with a 7-6 road win over the Arizona Diamondbacks, before angering the Diamondbacks’ organization by celebrating in the pool at Chase Field. “You can’t have a pool party at our pool and not invite us,” said disappointed Diamondbacks first baseman Paul Goldschmidt, as he stood in a pair of bright blue bathing trunks holding two pool noodles. When asked why he had two noodles, Goldschmidt hung his head and said softly, “One for me, and one for a new best friend.” Goldschmidt then exploded, saying, “His name is Yasiel, and now that’s never going to happen, is it? Is it?”
  • Despite Kansas City’s failures in clock management and third-and-short situations, the Chiefs moved to 3-0, prevailing over a sloppy Philadelphia Eagles team, 26-16, in Thursday Night Football action. Which is to say that on the binary football scale of “Andy Reid” to “Not Andy Reid” by which all football games can be judged, the game scored an “Andy Reid.”
  • Clemson avoided an upset in its ACC opener, topping NC State, 26-14, behind a big game from quarterback Tajh Boyd. When asked how he kept his team from avoiding a letdown, Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney slapped his forehead and said, “Letdown! I knew I was forgetting something. Week 4 letdown. That’s on our list of Clemson Virtues: leadership, determination, running down a hill, excellence, Week 4 letdowns, and excellence. I can’t believe I forgot one or more of those!”
  • Henrik Stenson tops the leaderboard at the Tour Championship after shooting an opening-round 6-under 64 to take a one-stroke lead in the race for the $10 million FedEx Cup prize. Stenson was cool as a cucumber after the match, wearing a ten-gallon hat and smelling of just the right amount of musk. The Swedish golfer, currently ranked in the top five, looked like the sort of man that women want, and the sort of man that men want to be. He looked both comfortable and daring, masculine and sharing, confident and bold. Oh yes, Henrik is a Stenson man.
  • Veteran running back Willis McGahee signed with the Cleveland Browns one day after the team traded Trent Richardson to the Colts. “I can’t say I had the best feeling about the place, but it’s a great opportunity, and I’m sure it’s nothing,” McGahee said with a big smile at his first press conference. When asked to clarify, McGahee explained, “Nothing against the city; Cleveland is actually pretty nice. It’s just the state. The state of Ohio. It gives me the willies for some reason, this state of Ohio. This Ohio State.” As McGahee said those words, his smile cracked and his eyes started scanning from side to side as he mouthed, “Pass interference? Bad call. Pass interference? Bad call. Pass interference? Bad call,” while bending his leg involuntarily.
  • Colorado first baseman Todd Helton hit a game-tying home run in the bottom of the ninth, and Corey Dickerson hit a 15th-inning game-winning triple, as the Rockies did their part to spoil the Cardinals’ efforts to win the NL Central with a grueling 7-6 win. When asked if he was pleased with playing the role of spoiler during the homestretch of his career, the soon-to-be retired Helton responded, “No. I’m tired. So very, very tired. Why’d I even hit that home run? I just want to go home and throw on some NCIS.”
  • A regent with the University of Texas reportedly discussed the potential of bringing Nick Saban on as head football coach with both Saban’s representatives and Saban himself this past offseason. “Well, I wouldn’t say that it was a representative, more an advocate,” said the regent, unwilling to go on record because of what he described as “hell-fear.” The regent went on to say, “This advocate came to us in a slick business suit and kept talking about how Oklahoma had become the premier Big 12 destination for recruits. Then he made this whole fiery speech about how things would be different if Saban were the coach. It was a real production; I’m pretty sure Charlize Theron was there. Then he asked us to sign a document in blood on a scroll of what appeared to be human skin.” The regent then shook his head and added, “Now, I’ll do anything for Longhorns football, so I signed it, but I do believe I deserve credit for immediately regretting my decision.”
  • Boston starter John Lackey threw a two-hitter and the Red Sox joined the Dodgers in the MLB postseason after beating Baltimore, 3-1, at Fenway Park. “This postseason pool party is awesome!” Lackey was heard to exclaim after the win, though when asked why he refused to take off his jersey to put on his commemorative T-shirt, Lackey was reported to have blushed before running inside to call his mom so she could come pick him up.