In case you were out watching the extended cut of Inception where the top spins for two years before finally falling, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- Hanley Ramirez remained red hot, going 3-for-6 including a tie-breaking 14th-inning home run, as the Los Angeles Dodgers clawed their way back to .500 for the first time since April with a 7-5 win over the Arizona Diamondbacks. “Nah, I’m really happy for him, and the team,” said rookie sensation Yasiel Puig. “Jealous? Jealous? Nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. There’s enough room in this town for a pair of superstars. Jealous? I’m happy. Jealous? Jealous? No. I’m not. Not at all.”
- Andrew Bynum is on his way to Cleveland, after the oft-injured center signed a two-year partially guaranteed deal with the Cavaliers. That said, Cleveland seems like just the sort of town where Andrew Bynum is likely to turn his luck around. Cleveland, or “The Lucky City,” as it’s known internationally, is a burgh totally bereft of bowling alleys, leaving the Cavaliers’ new center without any temptations as he tries to return from his lost season in Philadelphia.
- Tony Martin won the 11th stage of the Tour de France while Chris Froome held his lead as a bunch of assholes showed off that they know how to ride bikes. We get it guys, you somehow can make a two-wheeled vehicle stay vertical. Way to defy gravity. I guess I’ll just have to walk up the hills of France by myself. No no, let’s not wait for my mom to swing by with her Volvo. It’s not like she has seat belts in the way back, so you’re definitely better off riding on without me. I get it, no training wheels allowed. Fine. Just go. Go. Go. Man, this is the worst summer ever.
- The Boston Bruins accomplished their no. 1 offseason task, as they re-signed goalie Tuukka Rask to an eight-year, $56 million deal. “Rask!,” Rask exclaimed as he held up fistfuls of gold chains, which he proceeded to shake around menacingly. “Rask! Rask! Rask!”
- David Ortiz broke Harold Baines’s career record for hits by a designated hitter, as the Boston Red Sox thrashed the Seattle Mariners, 11-4, at Safeco Field. Ortiz went 8-for-10 in the series, as former Mariners DH Edgar Martinez looked on with a smirk on his face. “No, he’s very good,” Martinez said of Ortiz. “I mean, there are ways in which he was better than me. Guy can hit the long ball. Was on some great teams. Pure hitting? Well? I mean, that’s cute. But, you know, good for him. Really. Good for him.”
- Reports out of New York suggest that the Yankees will activate shortstop Derek Jeter from the DL on Thursday, after a successful rehabilitation stint. “Nobody fucking jinx anything,” Brian Cashman declared over the Yankee Stadium PA system before the game. “I want everyone knocking on wood. Knock on wood now!” A muffled ruckus was then heard over the PA system before Cashman was heard yelling, “I’m the general manager, I can yell what I want where I want when I want,” and, “Don’t touch that, it was aged in oak and it’s mine you son of a bitch.”
- Former Florida State offensive lineman Menelik Watson received his 2012 ACC Championship ring with a typo that read, “2012 SEC Champions.” While Watson laughed off the mistake, Alabama coach Nick Saban was reportedly enraged, saying, “He wasn’t supposed to notice! None of them were. When they put on the ring their souls are mine! Mine! Now the word is out and I’m thwarted, forced to gorge on these disgusting souls from Missouri and Mississippi. But I shall rise again, for I am Nick Saban, reaper of souls, head football coach, and the tide shall roll red with blood upon the beaches of Florida lest I remain unsatisfied.”
- Matt Cain was knocked out in the first inning, and the Giants fell a season-high 10 games under .500 after the Mets finished a sweep of San Francisco with a 7-2 win at AT&T Park. “I got it boys,” said New York Post headline writer Scott Fenton. “Cain Is Unable.” “But boss,” said news intern–cum-paperboy Jimmy “Little Shoes” McMinton, “that hardly gives the hometown boys credit for their sweep. Why not something like ‘Giant Killers,’ or ‘Mets Top Champs’? Something to lift everyone’s spirits. I know I could use it.” McMinton then coughed deep and wet as Fenton patted him on the back. “Oh Jimmy. You got a good heart. But that’s not how we do things at the Post. You’re fired. Now pack up your bindle and head back to the orphanage.”