In case you were busy running into a heavily padded man one last time for the kids, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- Former Boston head coach Doc Rivers’s emotional return to Boston was a success as his Clippers came from behind to top the Celtics 96-88. It was a less successful return for Clippers center Ryan Hollins, who mistakenly assumed that the pregame tribute to Rivers was in honor of his own brief tenure with the Celtics in 2012 and awkwardly had to turn his grateful wave to the fans into an arm stretch/scratch of the head combo when he realized his mistake.
- With a massive comeback falling short, the Chicago Bulls continued their dismal run of offensive performances in the absence of Derrick Rose, losing 83-78 to the New York Knicks. Many observers would say that in the light of this most recent loss, the Chicago Bulls are the saddest thing in the world. However, that is not the case. Here is a list of things sadder than the current iteration of the Chicago Bulls:
• A child tacking up “Lost Dog” signs on a telephone pole, trying not to cry.
• Former Telecommunications Systems Inc. assistant data processor Gary Pittson.
• Knicks fans.
Um that’s it. Moving on
- Stephen Curry put together another massive fourth-quarter performance to lead his Golden State Warriors to a 95-93 win over the Dallas Mavericks. However, the win is under review by league officials, who suspect that Curry is playing with a mini-hoop and Koosh ball, while the rest of the league is forced to play with full-size hoops and regulation basketballs. “We have no idea how he could possibly perpetrate such a fraud,” said NBA deputy commissioner Adam Silver of Curry’s exploits. “He may be a time traveler, or have some sort of shrinky-growy ray. Maybe he’s a literal wizard whose specialty is Koosh-related spells. We don’t know. But we will get to the bottom of it. Because come on. Come on.”
- A late Kevin Grosskreutz goal proved to be the difference as Borussia Dortmund staged another thrilling rally to top Marseille, 2-1, clinching advancement to the knockout stages of the UEFA Champions League. “We know we must never assume that a match is over,” said Dortmund captain Sebastian Kehl of his team’s resolve. “For if we win, manager Jurgen Klopp is very nice. But when we acquiesce ” Kehl then made this face and added solemnly, “We must never acquiesce.”
- First basemen Corey Hart and Logan Morrison have joined the fold in Seattle as the Mariners keep adding pieces in an attempt to return to relevancy. However, it’s feared by many that these two acquisitions don’t make a lot of sense when viewed in tandem. I mean, can these players really coexist on one team? Can we really risk Morrison making the same “Sunglasses at Night” joke every day for the next year? Only a desperate front office in disarray would take a chance like that.
- A five-goal second period was more than enough for the Chicago Blackhawks, who handily defeated the Philadelphia Flyers 7-2. “Further proof that Chicago is America’s greatest city,” said Chicago native Garrison Christopher of the team’s win. “I mean, we have it all. A really tall building. The best Great Lake. The best hockey team. We even have the most crazy corruption in our city government. And yeah, sure, it’s cold, but we’ve got the sort of people here who can deal with the cold and still have a great time.” When told that it sounded like he was describing the best Canadian city, Christopher grew really quiet before mumbling, “Well, we’re definitely better than Toronto. Shut up.”
- The New York Mets have paid $20 million to secure the services of a colon for the next two seasons. The question for the Mets becomes, what comes after the colon? Based on a current analysis of the team, some possibilities include The New York Mets: How Could Something So Wrong Feel So Wright; The New York Mets: Into Darkness; The New York Mets: Come for the Shake Shack, Stay for the Mets Wait a second I’m sorry, the Mets have paid $20 million to secure the services of 40-year-old Bartolo Colon for the next two seasons. That makes slightly more sense.