In case you were busy being harassed by Brian McCann and the party police, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- The Detroit Red Wings made an early two-goal lead stand up in their first game as an Eastern Conference team, taking their season opener against the Buffalo Sabres 2-1. “It’s tough,” said Red Wings captain Henrik Zetterberg after the game. “We had to get rid of all our board shorts and flip-flops, invest in some blazers and khakis.” Zetterberg then looked down at himself, attired nattily by Brooks Brothers, and sighed, before saying, “The Eastern Conference sucks. I feel like I sold out, man.”
- The Tampa Bay Rays will be playing more postseason baseball after surviving their second consecutive elimination game, with a 4-0 win over the Cleveland Indians in the AL wild-card game. When asked how his team dealt with the pressure of back-to-back one-and-done situations, Rays manager Joe Maddon said, “Terribly. Everyone in the clubhouse is a wreck. Lots of shaking and crying. We were this close to just forfeiting.” When asked if he was worried about facing the Boston Red Sox, who had the AL’s best record this season, Maddon screamed, “Ahhhh! We get the Red Sox? Why?” before vomiting on himself.
- Despite a late outburst directed at the Ducks’ bench, Patrick Roy’s coaching debut couldn’t have gone better as his Colorado Avalanche dispatched Anaheim 6-1. “Well, actually,” Roy said after the game, “I wouldn’t have let in that one goal. But it was still a pretty good start overall.” Roy then glared suspiciously at Avs goalkeeper Semyon Varlamov before saying, “We do have some things to work on though. Yes things ” in a strangely menacing tone.
- Alabama safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix has been suspended indefinitely for violating team rules. Though head coach Nick Saban has refused to comment on any specifics, it has been reported by numerous sources close to the program that Ha Ha Clinton-Dix are three of Saban’s least favorite things.
- Paris St. Germain striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic registered two early goals as his team easily beat Portuguese side Benfica, 3-0, in Champions League play. Ibrahimovic was unusually humble after the match, saying, “All credit to my teammates, for they make me what I am. Without them I am nothing.” When asked to elaborate, Ibrahimovic said, “An opponent such as Benfica is insurmountable for just Zlatan. It would take two or three more Zlatans to defeat them. And I would clone myself two or three times, except for the obvious: Would I be able to tame a second, third, or fourth Zlatan? Bring them all onto my side? Or would I have created my own worst enemy, the only foe that I, Zlatan, could not overcome.” Ibrahimovic then shook his head and said, “The risk is far too high. Unless it were a lady Zlatan. Zlatina.” Ibrahimovic then arched an eyebrow before shaking his head again and saying, “No, no, still too risky.”
- Raiders quarterback Matt Flynn has been demoted to third string after a poor start against the Washington Redskins and the return of starter Terrelle Pryor in advance of Oakland’s Sunday night game against the San Diego Chargers. When asked if there was a silver lining in the demotion, Flynn immediately said, “Yes. Now people will start to understand that Russell Wilson isn’t good, I’m just terrible.” When asked how that was a silver lining, and whether that was even true, Flynn replied, “Look, you come to me looking for better than 50 percent accuracy, you’re barking up the wrong squirrel, bud.”
- Miami Heat forward and NBA MVP LeBron James once again has the league’s top-selling jersey, according to a report released Tuesday. James responded to the report by saying that the numbers “mean everything” to him. Rockets center Dwight Howard, whose Lakers jersey was seventh on the global sales list, responded to the report by laughing hysterically and yelling, “Pranked! Oh man, I got those guys so good,” before putting on a rainbow wig and making new teammate James Harden call him Dwozo.
- 49ers safety Donte Whitner has reportedly filed paperwork to legally change his name to Donte Hitner, a reference to his hard-hitting style of play. When asked if he had considered any other names, Whitner said, “Well, I need a good safety name with all my favorite things, and Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was already taken, so no.”