In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Dwight Howard scored 23 points and grabbed 15 boards as the Lakers beat the Nets 95-90 in Mike D’Antoni’s first game on the L.A. bench. It was a virtuoso performance for D’Antoni, who, despite a knee injury, was firing on all cylinders with such bench-themed moves as the running bench slide, the sitting bench slide, the Captain Morgan leg, the reverse Captain Morgan leg, Poppo’s Droppo, the fussy towel wipe, the angry kick, the Ruppian hop, the Wooden whine, the frustration head-bury combo, the satisfaction back lean, Magglio the Good Pirate, the gentle head pat, the Faustian substitute, the restless foot tapping two-second sit-me-down, the supine cry, the post-dunk defensive urge, the smirk of fierce disbelief, the hurried jump, Nap Time, the furious Chaplain march, the standing contemplative hand-to-mouth, the existential laugh of the oppressed, the recumbent plea, the player’s shoulder strap grab-and-toss, the Dutch persuasion, Appletini, and his favorite, the two-clap Crazy James Nai-Nai.
- Ravens safety Ed Reed’s one-game suspension without pay for a pattern of dangerous hits was overturned on appeal and reduced to a $50,000 fine. Reed was still angry at the decision, though, as he planned to use that $50,000 to buy a new custom-fit 12-inch spike for his helmet that could be used to impale opponents through their face masks. “Face masks are unfair,” he said, in a very short statement.
- Division III’s Grinnell Pioneers defeated the Faith Baptist Bible Eagles 179-104 in a fast-paced Midwest Conference clash. David Larson had a strong game for Faith Bible, scoring 70 points on 34-44 shooting, but it wasn’t enough to stop Grinnell, who were led by Aaron Levin’s 13 points and six boards, and Jack Taylor’s NCAA record 138 points.
- Carmelo Anthony scored 29 points as the Knicks moved to 8-1 on the season with a 102-80 win over the Hornets. After the game, Anthony could be heard yelling at his assistant. “I don’t care how you do it,” he said, “but I want 10 Jack Taylor posters in my bedroom by midnight.”
- Cody Zeller scored 17 points and pulled down eight boards as no. 1 Indiana outlasted Georgetown 82-72 in overtime to win the Legends Classic in Brooklyn. “I’m so proud of you, Cody. You played like an ostrich today,” said Zeller’s brother Tyler in an emotional, tear-filled scene outside the locker room. “You played like a f—ing ostrich!“
- Rotnei Clarke and Kellen Dunham each scored 17 points to give unranked Butler an 82-71 upset over no. 9 North Carolina. “Them Tar Heelf is shorely ben gifted wif pretty namef such af Marcuf and Jamef,” said Oklahoman Rotnei Clarke, who is highly insecure about his name and also says every “s” like an “f.” “Rotnei do not prodoof in da brain a glam’ruff image nor shall it effer infpire an author prodoofing workf of fantafy. Nevertheleff, thiff were the lot in life I were born wiff and in all ftoifism I shall acfept it.”
- Sources report that the Yankees agreed to a one-year, $15 million deal with pitcher Hiroki Kuroda. “I look forward to another year of Americans calling me ‘Hideki,'” said Kuroda, through a translator.
- A day after a 3-0 loss to Juventus in Champions League action, Chelsea coach Robert Di Matteo was fired from the club. Sources report that he’ll now join former Sopranos star Drea De Matteo in a confusing new Italian sitcom called Di o De? that will air only in parts of Sicily.
- NASCAR driver Danica Patrick announced that she will be divorcing her husband, Paul Hospenthal, after seven years of marriage. “You have to go, daddy,” she said, with a small laugh. “Actually, I’m sorry I said that. This is a painful moment for both of us and I was wrong to make a pun based on a company I represent. That was inconsiderate and I apologize. I hope you’ll forgive me as you sort of pack up your things and, uh you know I was serious about the divorce part. I mean, the ‘go daddy’ stuff was poorly timed, I get that, but I really do want you to leave pretty soon. I met another guy. You and I, our sex life has dried up, but he can really go, d— nope, I’m not going to say it. Again, it’s not the right moment. You get the point. But really, why are you just standing there? There are a whole lot of clothes and things to pack, so vaya con dios, as they say. Good luck. I’m going to hit the track and drive around a little. I gotta go, daddy. See, in that case it was OK. That was a correct use of it, and now it’s out of my system. Please be gone when I get home.”