In case you were busy finally piecing together why the Buffalo Bills’ mascot is a Buffalo, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- In a battle of reigning Cy Young winners, David Price’s Rays upended R.A. Dickey’s Blue Jays, 5-4, in 10 innings. The Blue Jays, preseason favorites in the hypercompetitive AL East, now sit at the bottom of the division with the second-worst run differential in baseball. Meanwhile, something deep stirs within Cito Gaston, and he rises to dust off the ol’ Blue Phone, the one wired straight to the Rogers Centre, awaiting a call that he knows is coming soon.
- The Chicago Blackhawks eliminated the Minnesota Wild with a comfortable 5-1 win as they won their first playoff series since the Stanley Cup finals in 2010. “I guess fives are Wild,” said Marian Hossa, who had two goals for the Blackhawks, after the game. When met with silence, Hossa explained, “In my native Slovakia, we have a game called poker in which sometimes, in smaller less serious games, some cards are deemed wild and can be used in a number of different hands. One might say ‘Fives are wild’ in Slovakia, meaning they can replace threes or fours or any other card. I was referencing that situation, and also the fact that we were playing the Wild and we scored five goals, which is wild.” Hossa then furrowed his brow and promised to stop trying to make references that Americans cannot understand.
- Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder said in an interview that “we will never change the name of the team.” Snyder went on to explain, “If we did that, then people would probably have more time to scrutinize the other decisions I’ve made as owner of the Redskins. I certainly can’t afford for that to happen.” Snyder then giggled to himself, thinking about how funny it would be if he pretended to karate chop Robert Griffin III in his surgically reconstructed knee.
- Kansas City starter Jeremy Guthrie extended his magnificent run since joining the Royals with a 6-2 win over the Baltimore Orioles. “This land is my land, this land is my land,” Guthrie said sternly after the game. “From California to the New York island. I’m not screwing around anymore. This land was made for only me.”
- The Ottawa Senators ousted the Montreal Canadiens from the NHL playoffs with a 6-1 beatdown at the Bell Centre. Erik Condra, who had a goal and two assists in the game, was in particularly fine form after Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson screamed, “Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right B, A,” at him before the game.
- Roberto Castro equaled the course record at TPC Sawgrass by firing a 63 to take a three-stroke first-round lead at The Players Championship. Castro joins Fred Couples and Greg Norman as the only golfers to put up a 63 in the tournament, portending that he will likely accomplish much in his career while leaving a confusing legacy and falling just short of being immortal, much like his famous namesake, former Cuban leader Fidel Castro.
- Manchester United officially hired Everton’s David Moyes to replace Sir Alex Ferguson as the club’s manager. Moyes has already had an impact on the club, redefining’s Ferguson’s “squeaky-bum time” as the period of time when you’re so excited to actually have funds available in the transfer market that you ruin every negotiation by farting at inopportune moments.
- Jason Giambi and Nick Swisher powered the Cleveland Indians to a 9-2 win over the Oakland A’s at Progressive Field. After the game, A’s general manager Billy Beane bolted awake to realize the entire thing had been a dream. It was September 2002, and Swisher and Giambi were still the property of the Oakland A’s. Beane reached over to his nightstand so he could play a quick game of Snake to calm his jangled nerves and grabbed his iPhone which wait iPhones weren’t around in 2002! Beane bolted awake again to realize that that, too, had been a dream; the year was 2019, and he was in jail for helping to organize an underground baseball league after the sport had been declared illegal. As he lay on the cold concrete floor of his jail cell, he thought back to that night in May 2013 when Nick Swisher and Jason Giambi didn’t beat his A’s to drop them down to .500 for the first time since the first week of the season. That was the night that started the Baseball Illegalization Movement, a.k.a. BIM. If he got out of his jail cell, he would go back in time and make things right, except that he knew that the time traveler’s paradox would thwart his efforts unless he had an idea! Beane bolted awake again, safely back in the present day. Oh, it was all just a dream. He reached over and grabbed his iPhone; his team had lost 9-2. Everything was fine. He went to lock the screen of his iPhone wait this isn’t an iPhone this is a Zune phone! Beane let out an epic scream, which of course no one heard, as the butterfly effect of Beane’s time traveling had left the entire planet deaf for reasons unknown.