In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- On Day 1 of the NFL draft, Andrew Luck was taken first by the Colts and Robert Griffin III was taken second by the Redskins. The Jets opted for Quinton Coples with the 16th pick, a defensive end from North Carolina who Rex Ryan praised for his “impressive rib extension, muscled rump, and high potential protein value.”
- In a pair of tense Game 7s in the NHL playoffs, the Devils beat the Panthers 3-2 in double overtime and the Rangers edged the Senators 2-1. The Rangers looked frazzled and on the verge of unraveling on several occasions, but benefited from the fact that Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) laid on his belly and licked the ice for the entire game.
- In their ongoing discussions, the BCS has eliminated proposals calling for eight- and 16-team playoff formats. “I mean, what is this, North Korea?” asked a BCS spokesman, initiating a new PR strategy where they compare everything they don’t like to North Korea.
- Speaking with the media before Thursday’s draft, Saints GM Mickey Loomis said he is angry about the wire-tapping allegations, all of which he denies. “What? No!” he said. “What am I, like some kind of summoner? Who can just summon audio to the GM’s suite, like that? Come on.” He looked around the quiet room, waiting for a response. “AT&T commercial. With the, uh, the guy and his girlfriend at the restaurant. Nobody? Nobody’s with me on that?”
- Red Sox outfielder Carl Crawford will miss three months with a sprained ulnar collateral ligament. “I’ve heard of collateral damage, but this is crrrrr-aaaaazzzzzy!” said Bobby Valentine, who has a really terrible plan to win the hearts and minds of Boston fans by dressing and acting like a 1930s comedian.
- The Charlotte Bobcats fell to the Knicks 104-84, finishing the season with the worst record in NBA history. In honor of their historic achievement, we’ll get a little melancholy for the ’60s Song of the Week with “Rhythm of the Rain” by the Cascades.
- Brandon Allen hit a walk-off two-run homer as the Rays finished a comeback against the Angels with a 4-3 win. “Fuck me,” said Archangel Gabriel, who picked up his phone with trepidation. “Gus, it’s me,” he said, his voice shaking. “I bet on my team again, and, uh … well, I’m not going to have your money this we— … now, Gus, yelling isn’t going to solve … no, I don’t want my halo wrapped around my balls, and that kind of talk isn’t … HEY, YOU LEAVE MY HORN OUT OF THIS!”
- The walk-off trend continued in New York, where Justin Turner’s bases-loaded walk and Kirk Nieuwenhuis’s walk-off single lifted the Mets over the Marlins 3-2. “Finally, a good day for the Mets!” said owner Fred Wilpon, just before a flock of pigeons shit all over him.
- Angel Pagan smashed a three-run home run in the ninth as the Giants staged a comeback of their own, beating the Reds 6-5. “Yee-haw!” said Senator Joseph McCarthy, from hell.
- Kobe Bryant opted to sit out the Lakers’ final game (a 113-96 loss to the Kings), conceding the scoring title to Kevin Durant. “A scoring title? What is this, North Korea?” asked Bryant, who had been following the BCS story on his iPhone.
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