In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Roy Hibbert scored 19 points and grabbed 18 boards as the Pacers took a 2-1 lead on the Heat with a 94-75 win. During the third quarter, Dwyane Wade had a heated exchange with head coach Erik Spoelstra that only ended after Spoelstra grudgingly conceded that yes, maybe E.L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey does have some literary value.
- Tony Parker’s 22 points led the Spurs to an easy 105-88 win over the Clippers and a 2-0 series lead. Following the loss, Clippers forward Blake Griffin looked dumbfounded.
- The unbeatable L.A. Kings used goals from Anze Kopitar and Dwight King to beat the Coyotes 2-1 and move one win away from a clean sweep and a berth in the Stanley Cup finals. “Dwight,” asked a shy Kopitar in the locker room after the game, “why does nobody name a team after me?” King realized that his Slovenian teammate thought the Kings were named after him, an idea that made him laugh. When he stopped laughing, he looked his teammate in the eye and said, “because ‘The Kopitars’ would be a stupid name, and you’re a stupid man.” Kopitar nodded sadly and walked back to his locker.
- Jose Bautista homered and Drew Hutchison threw six strong innings as the Blue Jays swept the Yankees in a short series with a 4-1 win. “I don’t want to make excuses for our guys,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi, “but it’s always hard to adjust to the boring elevation in Toronto. The boring air makes it pretty hard to breathe.”
- Aaron Harang gave up just four hits in seven shutout innings as the Dodgers rolled over the Padres 8-1. Harang, who is from San Diego, was reportedly embarrassed by a large group of former frat brothers in the stands who kept yelling, “HARANGATANG! SHOW ‘EM YOUR BALLS!” in reference to a time in his life that Harang would love to forget.
- Suspended New Orleans Saint Jonathan Vilma sued Roger Goodell for defamation, citing “erroneous” claims by the commissioner that Vilma was a leader of the team’s bounty program. “A leader?!” said an incredulous Vilma, speaking to reporters. “I was the Bounty King! Bount Everest! The Bountain of Youth! Ol’ Bount Dracula!” In the background, his lawyers could be seen muttering angrily and ripping up the lawsuit.
- LeSean McCoy and the Eagles agreed on a five-year, $45 million contract, making him one of the highest-paid running backs in the NFL. “Let’s celebrate the deal over a couple cold ones!” said excited head coach Andy Reid, who then took two cold cheeseburgers out of his briefcase.
- After rejecting a one-year offer for $9.5 million, Patriots receiver Wes Welker told reporters that negotiations with the team have “gotten worse.” Apparently, Bill Belichick stepped in and offered Welker a five-year deal worth $60 million, but only on the condition that the receiver change his name to Wes Weenie or Weenie Welker. Welker countered with an offer where he would change his name to Wee Weenie Welkinson if his coach changed his name to Bill Beli-bitch, after which Belichick offered to change his name to Bitchy Bill the Sailor if Welker would accept three years and $28 million and change his name to Dr. Weenis. Welker nearly agreed, but asked for a clause wherein Bitchy Bill the Sailor would always wear a sailor’s cap with a picture of Jay Leno giggling on the front, which Belichick agreed to, provided Dr. Weenis kept two tongue depressors in his mouth permanently so he looked like a human walrus. Welker balked, calling the request “ridiculous,” and the negotiations fell apart.
- A 12-year-old Texas boy who was suspended from school for shaving a likeness of Matt Bonner’s face into his head received playoff tickets from the Spurs. The boy said he can’t wait to see his favorite team in action, and also to murder Matt Bonner, who is “too beautiful for this world.”
This week’s Reader’s Revenge topic is Your Most Cowardly Moment. It’s still a wide-open field, so send your best story to firstname.lastname@example.org by Sunday for a chance to make Monday’s top 10. Click the link to read the latest installment if you have no idea what I’m talking about. Anonymity is allowed, as are tales about third parties. Have a great weekend.