In case you were busy because no one at the game of Celebrity you were playing could get Lark Voorhies, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:
- Chris Paul scored his team’s last eight points, including an acrobatic runner with 0.1 seconds remaining, as the Los Angeles Clippers edged the Memphis Grizzlies, 93-91, to take a 2-0 lead in their playoff series. “I don’t know how he does it,” Clippers head coach Vinny Del Negro said after the game. “Seriously. He seems to have a really good understanding of floor spacing and leadership. Is there like, a book he read? Because if so, could anyone tell me the name of it so I can throw it on my Kindle? It would be greatly appreciated.”
- The Chicago Bulls evened up their series with the Brooklyn Nets with a 90-82 win at the Barclays Center. The Barclays Center is not to be confused with Bar Clay Centre, also located in Brooklyn, which allows patron to both paint their own pottery and sample delicious Belgian ales. Team officials denied rumors that Nets guard Deron Williams, who went 1-for-9 in the loss, mixed the two up before the game. But afterward, there were a suspicious number of shoddily constructed clay trophies strewn about the Nets locker room with “Wurlds #1 PG,” and “Chris My Paul,” scrawled on them.
- Matt Moore improved to 4-0, throwing eight innings of two-hit ball as the Tampa Bay Rays beat the New York Yankees, 5-1, at Tropicana Field. Yankees corner infielder Kevin Youkilis was a late scratch from the game with back soreness. When asked about Youkilis’s return, Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said, “Brian’s not here. You are speaking to the Prince of Sadness, and I expect to be referred to as ‘Your Sadjesty’ henceforth and forever more.”
- The first-place Pittsburgh Penguins dented the Ottawa Senators’ playoff chances with a 3-1 win at Scotiabank Place. Despite the absence of stars Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin, the Penguins were able to win handily, exploiting the Senators’ filibuster defense in which Ottawa captain Daniel Alfredsson stood at center ice and read from the phone book so as to invalidate any goals scored while he was speaking. Unfortunately for Ottawa, no such rule exists in the NHL, and they were unable to dig themselves out of an early two-goal deficit.
- Robin van Persie scored a hat trick, although two of his goals appeared to come from offside positions, as Manchester United won their 20th Premier League title with a 3-0 win over Aston Villa. Manchester United captain and noted diminutive Frenchman Patrice Evra said after the match, “To complain about offsides is to assume a finite amount of space which we occupy that allows us to be closer to or further from a thing.” Evra then took a deep drag off of a Gauloises before continuing. “But if we are all one thing, as we most certainly are not, but that is as close our human minds can come to comprehending the nature of reality, then we are all on and offsides, we are all sides, and yet, we are no sides at all.” Evra then arched his eyebrows, which revealed tiny holes through which he took two “eyedrags” off of his Gauloises.
- The Cincinnati Reds got a walk-off RBI single from Cesar Izturis to beat the Chicago Cubs, 5-4, in 13 innings at home. The 33-year-old veteran shortstop said after the game, “Wait, I’m 33? That can’t be right. I have to be at least 40. I played with Eric Karros! Hideo Nomo! Jesse freaking Orosco! Marquis Grissom! Wait, another thing I got a hit? That doesn’t sound right either. Nothing here sounds right at all.”
- Mike Napoli hit a grand slam, and Will Middlebrooks had a three-run homer as the Boston Red Sox took out the Oakland A’s, 9-6, at Fenway Park. “Man, it would have been real cool if I had, like, a two-run jack, and Big Papi had a solo shot,” shortstop Stephen Drew said after the game. “We could have been the Cycle Bros! We still could be, if anyone wants to go for a ride on an off day. You know, or like, someone could just talk to me. I know I haven’t started out great, and I know no one here liked my brother. Seriously, someone could acknowledge I’m speaking right now. Am I speaking? Someone could just nod in my direction. Please? Guys? I’m serious. It’s been like four days since anyone here talked to me. I keep being in the lineup, so I exist, right? Someone validate my existence! I’m starting to get really scared over here.”
- Felix Hernandez got his 100th career victory as the Seattle Mariners surged past the Houston Astros, 7-1. “All credit goes to the offense on this one,” Hernandez said after the game. When asked if his humility was genuine, Hernandez explained, “I was really just interested in hearing what those words sounded like when strung together. It’s weird. I like it, though. But it’s really weird.”