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About Last Night: Chicago Fired Up

Chicago Blackhawks

In case you were busy listening to Steve Winwood, wondering when you would be back in the high life again, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:

  • Despite being denied a late winner in regulation because of a delayed concurrent penalty call, Brent Seabrook’s overtime goal gave the Chicago Blackhawks a 2-1 Game 7 win over the Detroit Red Wings. The Blackhawks advance to the Western Conference finals, where they will face the reigning Stanley Cup Champion Los Angeles Kings. If they beat the Kings they will advance to the Stanley Cup Finals, where they will be forced to forfeit after being held by the Kingsguard for attempting to usurp the throne. Justice will come quickly, as the Stanley Cup monarchy does not wait for due process or jury trials, and punishment will be severe. The Kings’ public enemies are few at this point, and while many may support the Blackhawks, when the guillotine falls those supporters will stay silent, lest a similar fate befall them. Hope is a forgotten word in the NHL, but, futile as such wishes may be, best of luck to all four conference finalists!
  • While recovering from his fourth wrist surgery of the offseason, sources are reporting that Rob Gronkowski will undergo back surgery that will put his participation in the New England Patriots’ training camp in doubt. While many are concerned about Gronkowski’s long-term ability to contribute in the NFL with his continued injury issues, personally, I am concerned that Gronkowski is abusing his deductible. We get it Rob, you blew past your annual maximum on arm surgery no. 3. You don’t need to rub your ability to receive quality medical care in our faces.
  • The head football coaches of the SEC voted 13-1 to keep the league schedule at eight games, with Alabama’s Nick Saban providing the sole dissenting vote of “There shall be 100 games played on a lake of fire, in which the losing team is cast down into Hades itself, where the lord of darkness shall reap the souls of the fallen, feeding his constant hunger for the spirits of the south. Oh how the souls of Vanderbilt students taste, so deliciously well-educated … um … he, the prince of darkness, would say, as I myself have never tasted a soul, of course, that’s ridiculous. You’re all being ridiculous. You in particular Mr. Muschamp, staring at me with your soulful, delicious eyes. Oh how I would love to devour the soul behind those eyes. I mean, play nine league games. But not eight.”
  • Two second-half goals from Christian Benteke left the United States men’s national team humbled 4-2 by Belgium at FirstEnergy Stadium in Cleveland. “Belgium?” said stereotypical oilman Willard T. Fentonwick. “Daggum Americans losin’ to Belgium in a game of sports competition? Why that’s the zaniest thing I heard since somebody told me you could turn wind into electricity! Now how you gonna go do that? With a bunch of kites? That’s the zaniest thing I heard since someone told me oil’s just a bunch of old dinosaur bones. Now how’s a dinosaur going to become oil? By flying around on a kite till they become all oily? That’s as crazy as a dinosaur becoming an oilman. Now how are dinosaurs going to become oilmen? By somehow reincarnating themselves from a mosquito that bit ’em and was trapped in amber for millions of years, then acquiring the rights to oil fields in the Middle East in some sort of Kite Runner scenario? Why, that’s the zaniest thing I heard since someone told me America lost to Belgium in a sporting competition!”
  • Roger Federer eased into the third round of the French Open with a 6-2, 6-1, 6-1 win over Somdev Devvarman. “Yes, I would say the Federer reserve is in good shape,” Federer said after the match, having hardly broken a sweat. “I expect interest rates will remain low for another round or two, but we are prepared to raise them when faced with greater levels of instability, which will likely take the form of an increase in pressure coming from either Spain or the Balkans.”
  • Dioner Navarro hit three home runs as the Chicago Cubs blasted past the White Sox in a 9-3 win at Wrigley Field. “I came here today to chew gum and hit home runs, and I guess I was all out of gum,” Navarro said after the game. When reminded he was playing at Wrigley Field, Navarro said, “Well, I guess there was gum available to me. I suppose I came here today to chew gum and hit home runs, and I was too lazy to find gum.” When it was pointed out to him that there is gum all over the stadium, and that finding it was hardly the issue, Navarro yelled, “Fine! I came here today to hit home runs and chew gum, and then I remembered that they pay me to hit home runs and not to chew gum so I hit three home runs.” Navarro was then asked if that’s really how things went down, and he said, “No. Really? Honestly? I didn’t think about gum at all until right now. I think it’s a quote from a movie about gum and ass-kicking, and I would sound cool if I said it. But I guess I didn’t. Now we’re here. Me having hit a bunch of home runs, the best day of my professional life, and you, ruining it. I guess you came here today to piss on my parade and chew gum and you ran out of gum. And I swear to god, if you tell me that I did not have a parade, because yeah, it was a damn metaphor for the joy I felt before all this went down, I will chew so much gum you won’t know what hit you.”
  • David Phelps lasted only a third of an inning as the New York Mets jumped all over the New York Yankees en route to a 9-4 win. The Subway Series victory leaves the Mets a game away from a rare sweep, which would force the MTA of New York City to divert trains from the no. 4 line that serves Yankee Stadium to the no. 7 that serves Citi Field. “It’s a horrible misuse of resources,” former MTA Commissioner Joe Lhota said of the so-called “Sweep-Transfer Provision,” before adding, “but when rich people in this city put their minds to a thing, even if it’s a dumb bet that will ruin the commute of thousands of normal New Yorkers, we at the MTA have no choice but to listen.”
  • Despite Ryan Zimmerman’s three home runs, the Baltimore Orioles beat their Beltway rivals, the Washington Nationals, 9-6, at Camden Yards. “Well, it feels really good to be supported, Jordan,” Zimmerman said sarcastically to teammate Jordan Zimmermann, who took the loss for the Nationals. “I thought we Zimmermen were supposed to stick together.” Zimmermann spat back, “I’m a Zimmermann, not a Zimmerman. I’m nothing like you, I’ve never been anything like you, and I never want to be anything like you.” Zimmerman, hurt by his teammate’s vitriol, replied, “Glad to know how you really feel. All you Zimmermanns are the same, unlike us Zimmermans, a proud and noble tribe.” The two then engaged in fisticuffs, before teammate Stephen Strasburg and famed film director Steven Spielberg broke them up, before heading to a diner where they split a single chocolate malted milk shake with two straws and spoke of the great centuries-long peace between the Strasburgs and the Spielbergs.