In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- After attempting to save his job with a unilateral retirement announcement, Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. Student demonstrations and riots in support of Paterno ensued at the university, where the kids admired him so much that once he disgraced himself, they decided to follow suit.
- Despite passing David Stern’s 5 p.m. deadline to reach a deal under the current offer, NBA players and owners continued to talk late into Wednesday evening. After hours of intense negotiations, both sides finally agreed that Joe Paterno should be fired.
- The Florida Marlins are officially courting Mets shortstop Jose Reyes, whom they hope to sign this offseason. As part of the courting process, they’ve bashfully asked him to the local square dance and stammered about how much farmland they’re going to inherit.
- After his release by the New England Patriots, the Buccaneers have claimed Albert Haynesworth off waivers. Once they send a freight car up north and pay some railroad workers to load him onboard with a hand truck, and make sure the engineers throw him food scraps on the journey south, he’ll officially be a member of the team.
- In Steve Lavin’s return to the St. John’s bench, the Red Storm rallied for a 78-73 win over Lehigh. In other action, no. 17 Arizona held off Duquesne, and no. 19 Texas A&M destroyed Liberty. “We don’t like it, but at least they didn’t destroy freedom,” everyone in Texas agreed, as they chewed on grass stalks.
- After the NFL fined him $40,000 for illegal hits last Sunday, Steelers safety Ryan Clark took a shot at commissioner Roger Goodell. “This time it’s wrong,” he said. “Not that I respected Roger before this.” “Did I say $40,000?” Goodell responded. “I meant $40 billion. Plus, I want your uniform pants. Don’t ask why. It’s not important.”
- Jorge Posada told reporters that there’s no way he’ll return to play for the Yankees next season, though he’s not bitter about his relationship with manager Joe Girardi or GM Brian Cashman. The only thing he’s really bitter about is how A-Rod always called him “Tostada.”
- Central Florida athletic director Keith Tribble resigned in the wake of alleged basketball and football recruiting violations. The university said it could deal with the cheating, but drew the line at cheating and still being terrible at sports.
- Documents revealed that after firing Jeff Capel from the basketball head coach position after two years, Oklahoma paid him a $1.75 million buyout. As an assistant for Duke, Capel is now using that money to pay security to make sure no talented big men break into the starting lineup.
- Major League Baseball will not allow the Dodgers to recruit free agents until the team is sold, sources have reported. Almost immediately after the ruling, Dodgers owner Frank McCourt announced that he’d sold the franchise to a mysterious buyer named Brank McMort, who looks just like him except for a thick mustache and comical glasses.
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