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About Last Night: Celtics Aren’t Feeling Melo

AnthonyIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • Carmelo Anthony notched his second career triple-double (35 points, 12 boards, 10 assists) as the Knicks beat the Celtics 118-110. Evil Celtics forward Kevin Garnett told reporters he was impressed with Anthony’s performance, but that it should only be another week or so before he starts to feel the weakening effects of long-term arsenic poisoning.
  • In an interview with GQ magazine, Derrick Rose admitted that he’s uncomfortable with his fame in Chicago, and the lifestyle doesn’t suit his personality. “It’s time to start keeping a lower profile,” he said, “and it begins today … with this GQ interview.”
  • In playoff hockey action, Nashville beat Detroit 3-1 to take a 3-1 series lead, Florida went up 2-1 on New Jersey with a 4-3 win, and Phoenix took a 2-1 lead on Chicago with an overtime victory. That’s right — teams from Tennessee, Florida, and Arizona are going to advance over teams from Detroit, New Jersey, and Chicago. “Cold weather used to mean something,” said an old guy in an old-timey hockey sweater, holding a sad little hockey stick. He stared poignantly into the distance for a full five seconds before he ruined the moment by getting super racist.
  • Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen returned to the team after serving a five-game suspension for praising Fidel Castro, and his team earned a 5-2 victory over the Cubs. “I respect the Cubs,” said Guillen after the game. “You know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill the Cubs for the last 100 years, and a lot of individual teams have killed the Cubs, over and over, but those sons of bitches are still there. Playing a version of baseball.”
  • Pinch-hitter George Kottaras hit a walk-off two-run double as the Brewers ended the Dodgers’ six-game winning streak with a 5-4 win. Judging only from his name, Kottaras is a billionaire Greek playboy who joined the Brewers on a dare from his arrogant rich friends, but is gradually starting to love this crazy sport and the crazy city of Milwaukee. Also, he might be falling in love with a spunky blue-collar girl from the beer factory. Will his pals shame him into quitting the team when they come to visit in the summer, or will he finally start to take something in life seriously, lead the Brewers to the World Series, and settle down in the Milwaukee suburbs with his new American bride? Find out this October, in The Athenian.
  • The surprising Washington Nationals moved to 9-3 on the season as Gio Gonzalez pitched seven scoreless innings (two hits, eight strikeouts) in a 1-0 win over the Astros. The U.S. Senate decided to officially commend the team for such a great start, but after several rounds of committee hearings, four filibusters, and pork projects tacked on for 32 different states, the team’s record is now 2-10.
  • Sources report that under the terms of his one-year suspension, Saints head coach Sean Payton can’t have any contact with the organization. “Unless I wear a fake mustache. Got it. Understood,” said Payton. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell began to tell him that no, that wasn’t part of the deal, but Payton had already launched himself through a ground-floor window.
  • The NFL released its 2012 schedule, which begins with Peyton Manning and the Broncos facing Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers. Or, as the NFL is billing it, “The Mile-High Slinger versus the Sexual Stinger.” Man, now that I’m seeing it in print, they should probably rethink the whole thing.
  • All five of Kentucky’s starters from this year’s national championship team declared for the NBA draft. “Hey, I’m still staying,” said freshman Kyle Wiltjer, but his words disappeared into a silent void less than two feet from his face. Also, Terrence Jones slapped him for his insolence.
  • Aggieland Outfitters, a Texas-based clothing company, recalled some of its T-shirts yesterday after incorrectly including North Carolina as an SEC state and excluding Missouri. “Just because we’re cheaters, that doesn’t mean we’re in the SEC,” said UNC chancellor Holden Thorp. “That’s a stereotype, and it’s hurtful.”